Okay, so it's 4:13 AM as I write this. I wish that were a lie, but whatev.
I'm presenting at a conference today. I'm not gonna lie, I'm leaning toward "Holy-crap-what-was-I-thinking?" on the terror spectrum. My heart, at 4:13 AM, is doing this sort of slow thud, where it shakes my whole chest. It's weird. My heart's never pounded like that before, except for when I started walking on the treadmill after two years of sitting on the couch = exercise.
Anyway, so I have a request, cuz I know you guys are awesome like this. My presentation is at 3 PM (5 PM EST, 4 PM CST, 2 PM PST).
Can I get an LOL from you about that time? See, when people laugh at me, I actually relax. I'm sort of like a comedian, and the whole point of the things I say is to get people to laugh. And I'm very worried that my uh...quirky? Yeah, quirky sense of humor isn't going to go over so well today.
So just send a laugh into the universe around 3 PM MST, and I'll feel the vibes of the great blogosphere and maybe I won't freak out. Or maybe this feeling is normal for people who are awake at 4:13--now 4:15--AM. I have no idea, I've never actually been awake at this hour before. Well, I did work--omigosh, Elana, ramble much?
Okay, yeah. Nerves.
Wanted: laughter.
And jokes! If you have some jokes, I like reading those too. Then maybe I can use the material if my "quirky" sense of humor isn't winning over the crowd. *grins*
109 comments:
You have a great sense of humor, Elana! You don't have anything to worry about! But I can definitely start laughing out loud at 3:00 your time. I'm really good at laughing. Hey, can every request be this easy? Revising, for instance. I would love for it to be this easy. ;) Good luck! Wish I could be there!!!!
You're quirkiness is why I heart you.
I've put it in my phone to LOL you.
Rock it out!
Awww, you are hilarious, always make me LOL. You're going to do fine. Breathe.
Since I'm not sure what time I'll be around today (and, quite frankly, I have no clue what time MST is compared with EST), I'm going to do it now...ROFLMAO. I'll do it IRL later for you, too...
Elana, you're going to do an amazing job! Just view the whole thing as a blog post spoken instead of written, and you'll fly.
All the jokes I know are super corny, like what does the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant pile? Dead-Ant, Dead-Ant... (to the tune of the PP theme).
Hey, my carpool kids liked it!
Never fear, Underdog is here! LOL at 3PM MST will happen. People might look at me strangely if I'm at the grocery store, but hey, it wouldn't be the first time.
S
Elana I love reading your posts, they are inspiring and almost always have your quirky funny mixed in! I know you're going to do great!!!
Good Luck on the nerves, I'm nervous for you and I'm not even the one speaking... I'm painfully shy!
Just know that at 3pm your time I'll be laughing and you'll be at ease!! Knock um dead!
you are going to be awesome! Who would not love your quirky sense of humor? Everyone will think you are great. I wish I could be there. I'll be cracking up here at 3 pm imagining all the hilarious things you'll be saying. Along with all the mind blowing information too.
No fear. You are THE Elana Johnson, you are made of awesomeness. You can do this :)
every time I have ever visited you, you have always made me smile. So I am sending smiles and laughs your way. I am sure you will be fine. Oh, and the early hours of the morning are known to distort things in your head just a little. I know. I am often up at this time running and boxing. My advise? go back to bed. You will be funny without the worries once the sun is properly up :)
You are going to be fabulous. You're even better in person than online. I predict you'll be a big hit. Count on an LOL from me at 4 my time. Can't wait for the report.
Don't let the nerves get to you...
Smile brightly :-)
Give a chuckle :-D
Let the wackiness shine through :-P
Here's a joke I told this morning,
"I can't wink, my whole face squinches up. It made it impossible to flirt. The bar scene never worked for me, people thought I was having a seizure.
I think you'll do fabulous no matter what. But, I'll set my phone alarm for three and LOL at that time. Hopefully you can feel from wherever you may be. Good luck!
~JD
I always freak out whenever I have to present anything. Nerves is a scary thing.
But you're awesome. And I believe you will do fabulously! Good luck! Wish I could be there. :)
You'll be awesome, Elana.
And I'll send out some laughter for you. (Now to think of something funny...)
How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How about I put something funny on TV and my kids can laugh along with me.
Don't worry, Elana. You'll rock!
Have a great time!
You'll be awesome! I'll be in the middle of a music festival, so I can't be too loud or anything, but I'll definitely snicker quietly in your general direction at 3pm. (Hmm, I didn't mean for that to sound like it came from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail...but if you haven't seen it, um, nevermind.)
I always get that "Holy crap what was I thinking!" feeling before a big performance, like a solo in front of the orchestra (which I did twice this year) Don't worry! It turns into a really good, "I'm glad I did it" feeling afterwards!
LOL ready and willing to fire. I'll even get my kids involved. They've been home all week cuz of *school vacation*--yeah, for who? We've had plenty of LOL's here. We'll pass them your way, Elana.
Best of luck, but you won't need it, girl.
Ugh, I hate presentations, so I don't blame you. But I'm sure that you'll do fine. Good luck!
I'll do one more than just laugh on my own, but will also get my daughter to crack up at that time because the sound of her laughter makes me laugh.
the Wee hours of the morning is the worst time be awake. All our worries and fears come to beat us down with the ugly stick. Don't worry Elana - you're awesome and you'll do great. I wish I could be there today just to take your class.
If you speak anything like you blog, then you'll do just fine! I swear you could write about the grass growing, and it'd be hilarious.
Anyway, if you're really that nervous, he's a couples jokes:
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am. I married the wrong man."
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he called, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," the wife called back. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled, "University of Oklahoma."
Just BREATHE! You'll do great! I admire you for doing this. Just thinking of public speaking makes my heart do that thud. I don't think of myself as especially humorous, but I did an OK job on my blog yesterday. Check it out. We're sharing "life lessons" that are entirely silly or embarrassing. Maybe you'll have something to share later. ;-)
Good luck!! You'll rock it! 'Cuz that's just who you are.
You're gonna do GREAT! I know it's a little intimidating right now, but you're well-prepared and once you get started, everything will be fine.
Can't wait for your debriefing later!
You'll do great! Here are my kids two favorite jokes.
What do you get after a tornado hits a dairy farm? A milk shake! (on a slightly weirder day they said the answer was--a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger)
Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they would be Bagels!
I enjoy your sense of humor and I know you'll do great! Gotta give you kudos for putting yourself out there and speaking in front of a large group. I'm a big wienie, and am terrified of public speaking.
You go girl!
Awww, Elana. Don't worry, you'll do awesome. You have such a quick wit, and I'm sure you'll find your groove about two seconds into it. Just for you though, I will definitely laugh for you. I can't post any jokes for you, because all the ones I know probably aren't appropriate LOL. Good luck and don't worry - you'll do great.
I am sure that you will do just fine. Your sense of humor is great, and it will come through. I'll be laughing with you (not at you, of course:) Have a great weekend, and get some sleep!
I know this feeling all too well. I had to take a presenting with confidence training class at work. Probably the most valuable thing I learned was that you never look as nervous as you feel when you're up there. And that if you be yourself, everyone will be at ease. If you're quirky sense of humor is really YOU (which having read your blog, I'm certain it is) then everyone is going to feel great around you when you speak. Best of luck and I hope lots of laughter comes your way :-)
You will be great! And I will laugh:-)
Yep, I agree, you're going to do great! (this feeling is because you are up so early - sheesh, those early hours can run havoc on anyone).
Just in case, I'll send out a good laugh at the appointed time :)
Here's an Lol, courtesy of Mitch Hedburg: "I saw this wino, and he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you need to Wait."
..
:D
Aaargh I know the feeling! Let us know how it goes!! I WILL LOL for you!!
You'll be awesome! No worries. Right?
So joke: Two guys walked into a bar.
The first said to the second: "So you didn't see it either?"
:)
Totally on top of this! And well wishing for your presentation as well! Good luck!
Would it help if I gave you a tip on human nature? Everyone's favorite topic is themselves, so that's usually what they are thinking about. So don't worry about your talk - listeners won't be focused on you, but on how what you are saying applies to them.
Good luck on your presentation, and remember -- those people in the audience are all just glad to be sitting down and not presenting themselves -- they respect the fact that you got up there to present!
I'll share with you my favorite joke (Monty Python) -- what's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG! (Sorry, that one gets me every time!)
Will send the vibes. I’m sure you’ll do great, maybe the lack of sleep will help.
Good luck!! I'm sure you will do a great job!
You got it. I'll start a few minutes early with a warm-up laugh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. You'll wow them :)
LOL - LOL - LOL - LOL ...
HAR HAR HAR! Laughter is on its way.
You've got this Elana girl! And I will definitely send a laugh your way!
Good luck! I'm sure you'll be great :) I always say that public speaking is like karaoke - it's terrifying until you get that mic in your hand and then you don't wanna let it go :)
xoxo
Awesomesauce! Remember? You are TOTAL awesomesauce and people everywhere adore you! But yes, I will LMAO at you at the appointed time - cuz I am SO here for you!
joke: Why did the dinosaur cross the playground? To get to the other slide! Ha ha ha!
You'll do great, but I'll send a laugh out anyway. Hopefully, the people around me won't think I'm nuts when I laugh out of the blue ... then again it will be right around quitting time on the east coast, so I'll blend right on in.
Good luck!
You'll do FINE! And yes..I'll laugh...just for you!
Hee hee hee, hah hah! Ho ho hee hee hah hah!
(I'm starting already.)
Best of luck!
Will do, that's 5:00pm my time, I'll be getting out of work and sending laughiness your way ;o)
Um. Jokes. Gah, I'm uh... *goes to look one up and cheats cause she doesn't know crap about comedy, only sarcasm*
Commence Joke -
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"
LOL - gotta laugh at a grashopper named Steve. Good Luck!! You'll be great ;o)
I'll do what I can! Warning: all of my jokes are groaners:
A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
Why do flamingoes always stand on one leg?
Because if they picked the other one up, they'd fall over!
Aaaand those are all that come to mind right now for some reason. I'll be back if I remember more, but here's hoping they got at least a reluctant chuckle out of you. Remember to breathe, and have fun!
Not that you need it, but I'll send a belly laugh your way at 2:59, just to get the vibe going.
You'll do fine. You are bigger than life and way more funny than most people I know. In fact, you may be second only to my DH who has me in stitches constantly.
Best wishes~
Elana, your sense of humor enchants hundreds of people around the blogosphere every time you post. So I'm pretty sure that "quirky" humor will work in real life too. I'm terrible at remembering jokes so I have nothing for you there. But I'll be laughing in your honor here in Solvang at 2pm!
Here are some ideas and ways you can start with humor.
"I am delighted to be here. It is 3 PM and there is no other place in this world I would rather be because speaking at this conference is on my bucket list. As a matter of fact, I am elated because I see George Clooney skipped the Tribeca Film Festival to be here today." Then, everybody will turn to look around. Point to a good-looking guy and say, "Oh, you are not George Clooney? Sorry...." Then say, "I was so excited because George is my Facebook friend and I thought he responded to my event invitation."
Good luck today. If the jokes don't work say, "After this conference, I am firing that nut on the Facebook Seinfeld fan forum who wrote these jokes."
Laughter at 5:00. I can do that. Good luck. It would be fun to see you and you'll be great. NO question.
Good luck, Elana!! I am sending tons of LOLs out into the universe all day long so hopefully one of them will catch you :) You'll be great, I'm sure!
You'll do a great job, but I totally get it. I know I'll be super nervous the first time I'm presenting at a conference...someday. ;)
Anyway, jokes...Here's one my kids got off a string cheese wrapper. Don't think it's lame because of its source--I LOVE the joke. Are you ready?
Q: What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
It cracks me up. I'm an easy laugh, but still.
LOLs will be coming your way!
Most definitely will Elana. And I'll tickle my son at 3:00 too because he has the best laugh in the whole world! :)
Elana, I laugh at you all day! I mean with you. I am sure that I'll be laughing at 3pm, whatever time that is on the East Coast and it'll make it's way over to you.
You're going to kick butt! Sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck!
Good luck on your presentation, Elana! I like when stuff like that is early so the anticipation and anxiousness is over earlier!
I was up with you at 4am too! (my dog was sick as a dog all night, but she's better now!).
Have a fabulous day!!
Elana, you've totally got this. At 4am in the morning, everyone feels a little crazy and you definitely start to get hysterical. I know. I've seen 4am more times than I'd like.
I'll LOL for you this afternoon, but you wouldn't want my jokes. For some reason, the only ones I can think of right now are corny math jokes. Eep.
GOOD LUCK! You'll do great! :)
I'll send an LOL your way this afternoon.
Good luck.
You'll do great!
O.k. it's a quarter til 2. So in fifteen minutes or so, you need to start downing some caffine, and while you're at it, grab a Snickers. You are going to be GREAT! I can't wait to read all about it!
Good luck. Sending lots of laughter your way :)
I will send you laughter and donuts. Enjoy!
YOu'll do great!!
You'll do great, but just to be on the safe side, I'll try and send you some laughter at 4pm my time.
Here's joke for you that I stole from Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory:
A neutron walks into a bar and asks,"How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you--no charge!"
You will be AWESOME! No worries. Not even going to bother with all that good luck nonsense.
[Shh...Good luck! **she whispers**]
If it makes you feel better, I've set an alarm for 5 EST just for laughing purposes. :)
This is the only writer joke I could come up with:
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
Well, when I'm nervous, I try to think of something funny or weird or quirky that my kids said or did. Here's one about cooking for my kids: Mom, it's not so much that you're a bad cook, we just don't like anything you make.
So, there you go. Not everyone likes what you're dishing out. Even it's your best work.
You can do it! Besides, think how great you'll feel once this is behind you!
I have complete and utter faith in your natural charm. You'll be a smash!!
And ignore that thud, it's your body's way of telling you "Why the hell are you up at this hour? Go back to bed."
And just in case it is nerves, I give you a joke:
And then there was the Dyslexic, atheist insomniac who would lie awake at night doubting the existence of Dogs.
Good luck!
Good luck on the presentation! I hope it goes well. I'll send a big laugh out into the universe for you at 3 pm!
I think I missed it (I'm horrible at time zone math) but sending some good vibes your way anyway.
You'll do great. In case of emergency here's my all time favorite joke.
Question: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: Fish.
Just pretend the audience is composed entirely of your blog readers. Not one person will judge or be disappointed no matter what you do or say. Just support from your peers and fans. You can't fail, no matter what you do or say. Seriously.
You are going to be just fine. :-)
Good luck. I'm sure you will be great.
If you freak out just watch this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmwB-oKwk5U&feature=related
I'll be sure to send big guffaw your way. You won't need it but I'll send anyway. You'll do great!
I know you did fine. I remember last summer being terrified before my first Court of Appeals argument. I was petrified even though I'd been an attorney for 20 years. I so wished someone else would do it. Once I was done, I was so glad I did it. I bet you feel the same. I wish I could have seen your presentation. I'm sure it was great.
Presentations bite the big one! (Sorry, have always wanted to say that *blushes*). But I am sure it went very well, and that you did great. Am sending a little burst of good will your way anyway! :)
I'm sure you did awesome! I wish I could be there for it to watch and support you. Another time hopefully. I hate it when I'm speaking and I think I say something funny and no one laughs. That'll send up the blood pressure. But I'm sure that didn't happen today to you. And hopefully it won't happen to me tomorrow... :-)
Hope you had a great day!
Sorry, I'm late!
I know you're freaking even though you'll do fantastic. But here's my Grampy Fred's sage advice - he's really smart. I'm talking nuclear- engineer-helped-make-rockets-that-go-to-the-moon kind of scary smart.
"If someone doesn't like you, don't concern yourself. They're morons who have no fathers."
Told you he was smart (I didn't get all of it when I was younger). And he always makes me laugh!
Ok, so I'm late, but...
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
I'm sure you were amazing.
I'm late - sending belated laughter seems a little bizarre, but I'm sending some anyway! LOLOLOL :)
I bet your quirkiness was a hit and you had a great time! I also bet you're sleeping early tonight! Congrats on what I know went really well!
LOL - it's late, but better LOL than never!
I'm sending you some laughter right now...hope you can use it!
Oh man, I missed it. But I was probably laughing then. You can consider that I was laughing. Because I would have if I had read this earlier.
Early mornings are crazy. Like now. I should be asleep. My brain is fried, so I can't think of any jokes except a terrible one a friend left on my blog last week.
Why was the scientist's head wet?
Because he had a brainstorm!
*ba dun dum*
RIGHT...
THERE WERE 2 PRIESTS, FATHER JOHN AND FATHER PETER PLAYING TENNIS...AS THEY ARE PLAYING FATHER JOHN KEEPS MISSING THE BALL
F J - "oh shit - missed!!"
THEY CONTINUE...AGAIN F. JOHN MISSES THE BALL...
F J - "OH SHIT - MISSED!!!!"
FINALLY, FATHER PETER CAN STAND IT NO LONGER AND SAYS
F PETER - " Brother, you must try and refrain yourself from saying these unholy words!!! Our LORD will strike you down with a thunderbolt!!!"
FATHER JOHN BOWS HIS HEAD IN SHAME AND THE GAME CONTINUES...BUT...ALAS...AGAIN HE MISSES AND SCREAMS....
F J - " SHIT!!!! MISSSSSED!!!!
THERE WAS A ROAR OF THUNDER AND A BLINDING FLASH OF VIOLENT LIGHT...
and then a voice was heard from above
" OH SHIT - MISSED!!!!!!"
FATHER PETER LAY ON THE GROUND BURNT TO CINDERS.....
THIS WAS TOLD TO ME BY MY 14 YEAR OLD AUTISTIC STUDENT LAST NIGHT. ALSO, YOU MAY LIKE...
WINSTON CHURCHHILL AND lADY ASTOR WERE AS USUAL AT LOGGERHEADS,
L. ASTOR - "If you were my husband Mr. Churchhill I would put poison in your tea!!"
W. CHURCHILL - "And if I were your husband Lady Astor,
I WOULD DRINK IT!!"
ALSO - you may like to know that you can buy aduly Pampers/Diapers with aroma of LILY OF THE VALLEY if things get REALLY SH*T SCARY! The aroma covers a multitude of STINKS/SINS MY FRIEND!
BREAK A LEG GIRL - GO KNOCK "EM DEAD!!!
im sure you did fine! :)
I didn't see your post until much too late. I hope lots of laughter was sent your way. I'm sure your speech went off without a hitch.
Ack! I didn't see this until much to late to be of any help.
But, you see, something strange happened yesterday.
My husband's truck was acting up, sputtering a lot, etc., so he decided to check the fuel line. He drained all the gas away and had it in a pan by the truck when my dog, Sirius, went by, and DRANK all the gas!! Then, without warning, he leapt up, ran around the house at top speed FIVE TIMES--
--and then he just fell over.
...
...
...wait for it...
Did he die? I hear you ask...
Nope!
He just ran out of gas!
hehehehehe! That's my best joke. Hope it helped in the aftermath! And send me deets on the con experience--I bet you did AWESOME!
ROTFL! Beth, that's a great dog joke. All the jokes were fabulous.
And the laughter is so appreciated. I'm doing another presentation this afternoon, so I've been saving the late laughter in a bottle to use today.
You guys are my most favorite people ever. Thanks!
How awesome for you to do a presentation! I'm late here, so you're probably glowing in the aftermath of doing a fantastic job. But here's a joke anyway:
A frog phones the phychic hotline and is told, "you will meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
Frog: That's great! Will I meet her at a party or what?
Hotline: No. Next semester in her biology class.
Take a deep breath. Hold it. Now see how far you can get in your presentation without breathing. Plus side, you'll pass out and they'll cart you away so you won't have to do the presentation.
Negative side, you'll never live it down.
Hmm . . . maybe you ought to go ahead and breathe. ;-)
Wishing you luck (though by now you are probably finished . . . I'm not good with the whole figuring out different time zone thing)!
Oh, and in case I didn't miss it. LOL LOL LOL =D
Okay, so I thought good thoughts for you! I hope you felt the vibe!
Shelley
Wish I could say that I saw you and you did GREAT, but unfortunately I was in another class... wishing, of course, that I was in yours.
That said, can I still get the notes? :)
Wicked-Sassy, totally, if I knew who you were... I can't access your blogger profile for some reason and your email is set to "no reply". So, uh, yeah.
:)
Oh, Elana, it was so awesome to meet you in person. {Did you see the little bow I did to you, in your writerly honor?}
PS: The notes to your query workshop, ummm, could I get 'em, too? I missed it but heard from others it rocked! Maybe you could present it again next year.
PPS: Congrats on your rejection award today, too! :)
Elana, sometimes we set ourselves up for situations that when the time comes, we ask with quaking heart, "Why do I always do this to myself?"
I remember my first sky-diving jump. My mouth was dry. My palms were anything but. The heart was jackhammering against my chest.
I looked over to the other first-time jumpers to see if they looked as worried as I felt.
And when I looked to my left, I felt ashamed of myself. A blind man. There he was sitting tall, straight, his face serene, his hands steady. I'll never forget that moment.
Or the scream his seeing-eye dog made when they jumped out of the door.
Did you smile? Maybe even laugh? Hope so. That joke is my gift to you for all the wonderful posts you've given me. Feel free to use the joke if you think it'll garner you any chuckles.
Knock 'em dead, Roland
I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. I hope it went well!
I had to break my unplug week to lol at you. :D Good luck and I know you'll do great!!!
Seriously? I'm comment #101?
Amazing, Elana.
that alone tells you whatever you said at the conf was juuust fine. You're a people person and I'm not worried about you one little bit.
:) Laughing out loud will disturb my sleeping family...like, they're ALL out cold on the couch watching a movie. go, go, presenter, go!
I'll do better than that -- I'll just start laughing now and won't stop until say, sixish?
Okay, so I didn't read a single blog this weekend and missed this one.
But your presentation was spectacular and people LOVED your quirky humor. You did a great job, and the rest of us really appreciated your open, honest, yet humorous approach to query critique.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think you have experience with teaching. Oh wait, you do. =)
All I can say is that if you can teach sixth graders, adults are cake.
I attended your class at the conference and got so much out of it. Your wit, and knowledge made it worthwhile and most def one of the few classes I can honestly say that I enjoyed. (= I'm still counting on you slicing and dicing my query when I finish it. Thanks for being willing to look at it. (=
Jo Schaffer
http://jostorm.blogspot.com/
You were definitely funny, but I couldn't relax and laugh as much as I wanted to till I found out my query hadn't bombed. Then I let loose. But next time, include M&Ms among the candy offerings, okay?
It was a GREAT workshop and I sent my first query out this morning. THANKS TO YOU!!! I'll let you know what comes of it.
Tanya Parker Mills
My friend took your class and said it was worth the price of admission (to the conference). Good job.
You make me laugh my butt off. And that's unfortunate because I sound like a braying donkey and the other people there, I'm sure, didn't appreciate it. ;)
So obviously I'm WAY behind in my blog reading, but I wanted to repeat that you did an awesome job on your workshop. Thanks for setting us all straight!
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