Facing Fears

Okay, so this is always hard, isn't it? Facing down that rabid dog or whatever. But though I am terrified of most dogs, rabid or not, that's not really what I'm talking about. Not a physical fear, but an emotional one.

That's not quite right either. More of a creative one.

See, my agent and I parted ways last month. She is a lovely person and a great agent. I have no hard feelings toward her and our split was amicable.

And here I am. Facing a wide-open world of publishing for the first time in years. Well, that's not really true either, because I already have books out. The only way to truly have a wide-open publishing world is to choose a pen name and start over.

I don't think I'll do that, and now I'm exploring all the options. See, I have five full manuscripts that are finished. Like, finished. Like, I could send them to editors and agents and not be embarrassed.

I'm querying a couple of them, actually. Querying is just as painful and demoralizing as I remember from 2009. Rejections are hard--especially when the feedback is at odds from agent to agent.

I have submitted a couple of my manuscripts to small and midsize publishers that take unsolicited submissions.

I have purchased Indie-publishing guides, and I've emailed with friends, and I've discussed options with my husband.

I really do have a ton of choices. The real problem is facing the fear of choosing one over the other. It seems that every publishing model has it's pros and cons.

And of course, I want it all. *wink* But mostly, it's the fear of trying something I've never tried before that's got a grip on me right now. I almost think it would be easier if someone just told me what to do! Anyone? Ha!

Have you faced a fear? How did you overcome it?

Inside Elana: Fear

All right, I'm pulling out the big guns today. Well, not really, but whatever.

Lydia Kang asked: Okay, writing-wise, what is your biggest fear?

Oh, boy. Where do I even start? There are about a zillion things that I'm afraid of. I live on the precipice of fear most days, seconds away from falling--or jumping.

I think, for me, in this whole writing journey, the ultimate fear is of failing. What if no one buys my book? What if no one likes it? What if all the reviews are bad? What if, what if, what if???

And what's worse than failing?

Failing in front of all of you.

See, I've spent the last two years building a platform for myself. I have a web presence. Which all adds up to one cold, hard fact: I can't quietly fade into the night. If I fail, you're all going to know. Everyone is going to know.

And that's my biggest fear. What about you? Writing-wise, what's your biggest fear?

Truthful Tuesday Gets Personal

Okay, I'm going to admit something scary and wildly personal and something I hope I've been keeping deep inside (except from my CP's and others insane enough to encourage an email relationship with me).

But who am I kidding? You guys can see into my head, right?

Are you ready, though?

Okay, so I got my copy edits, and holy cow, you guys. It's the first time EVER that my book actually feels like a book. And it's still printed on 8 1/2 x 11 sheets of paper. But dude, it has all this writing on it from ACTUAL EDITORS, and it had the front pages of the book. You know the ones that we authorly people all read first. The ones that list the imprint, and the font the type is in and the date it was published. You read those right? Or is that only me...?

Ahem, anyway.

So those pages are in the copy edits. And it says "Copyright [insert little copyright symbol here] by Elana Johnson 2011."

I can feel the tears starting, but I'm blinking rapidly so I can keep reading what else is in those opening pages.

I look down, and there's an ISBN number for both the hardcover and the e-book.

My husband loses it.

I'm thisclose to sobbing, and I'm just sitting there holding this HUGE stack of paper, and it's not even a book but it's so a book, and not just any book, but MY BOOK.

And just as I'm about to let the tears out, I get hit with this giant wave of...

Fear.

And that's my truth for today.

I'm terrified of my book being born.

More than dogs, more than ducks, more than running out of bacon, I'm scared of my book becoming real and the fact that other people are going to read it.

Crazy?

You decide.

What are you afraid of?

Breaking Down the Fear

Today we're tackling the fear. Head on. No pads. Right between the eyes. So if you're not quite ready for that, you might wanna locate your mithril and pick up some extra chocolate.

Ready?

Let it be known that any author, at any stage, has fear. This thing, that, the other.

Me? What am I afraid of?

7. Mediocrity
6. The unknown
5. Ghosts
4. Sushi
3. Living up to expectations
2. Failing as a wife/mother/sister/friend/teacher/writer
1. Dogs

Yeah, so-and-so said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." but he wasn't trying to publish a book or raise a child or keep a rabid yellow lab from tearing into his thigh. So whatever.

I do think once we recognize what we're afraid of, it's not so scary. Once we look it in the eye and try to deal with it, the horror isn't as real. We're in control then. The problem is, it's easier to put on the headphones and ignore the raw fish, lingering spirits and antsy canines.

Easier, but not better.

So spill. What're your top fears? How will identifying them help you move past them?

Just Admit It

Okay, this is a hard thing for some of us, I think. I know it was for me. And it is for a few other people I know. So I thought it worthy to blog about.

I submit: The first step toward getting what you want is admitting that you want it. Really really really bad. So bad it aches. So bad you think your chest might cave in if you don't get it. You want it so much that the world could stop spinning and you'd still want it.

So have you done that? Do you feel that ache? That shortness of breath when you think, "My book will never be published."? Or that crushing weight when you hear, "You won't be a mother."? Or whatever it is that you desperately want.

Why is it so hard for us to admit to ourselves that we want something? Are we trying to avoid selfishness? Do we think we don't deserve it?

I know for me, it's probably a combination of both. I am happy (very much so) and content with my life. So admitting that I want something more feels like I'm ungrateful and selfish.

But dude, I so want to hold my book in my hands. I want it to be published.

I want it so bad, I ache inside. I can't breathe when I think it might not happen.

There. I admitted it. Whew. I feel better. And I can move forward with my other writing. Sometimes it's this fear of admitting that we want something that holds us back the most. And yeah, I've sort of been floundering for a while. But no more!

I want it, and I don't care who knows!

So what do you need to admit today? Anything to get off your chest so you can breathe properly again? What do you want so bad you ache? Why haven't you admitted it before?

ETA: I did a little interview about writing YA on Valerie's blog today. If you have a couple of extra minutes (ha ha!) go check it out.

Friday Night Confessions

Okay, it's come to my attention that I start every blog post with the word "okay."

Okay, that's not my confession.

But I have one today. And it's sort of like that song in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat where the narrator says, "In his bed, Pharaoh had an uneasy night. He had, had a dream that pinned him to his sheets with fright."

Yeah, that's me. Not so much a dream that's got me all freaked, but something else.

I'm going to confess, because a dear friend and I do Friday Night Confessions every week. FNC we call it. We also have RTC's, but that's another blog post. (But mucho points if you can figure out what RTC stands for!)

Anyway, I'm going to confess something. But you must all remember that I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. That's one of the rules of FNC. We get to say our confession and the other one doesn't try to make us feel better or anything. (Okay, that's not a rule, but I just made it up so it's gonna be from now on.)

Are you ready?

My confession: I have this paralyzing fear that I won't be able to live up to what people think of me.

There. I said it. And not just in writing. In life. In work. In everything.

And I don't want you to tell me how awesome I am. That's what's making me feel all freaked out!

No. Instead, tell me your confession. I mean, your deepest, darkest fear. And not dogs. I mean, that's so not fair. I gave you the fear buried under my heart (although I am terrified of dogs).

So I ask: What are you afraid of? Like, really terrified of?

It's Friday. Confess. FNC, yo.