Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Whatever Wednesday. What. Ev.

Okay, my WiP has crawled under the couch and died. It's starting to stink, so I left my daughter in the house with a full can of Lysol and have escaped to the backyard. She loves to spray that stuff, and I can't breathe with either smell, so it's a win/win.

Today, I bring you Whatev Wednesday. Warning: this might come off as a little rantish, but if you've been reading my blog at all, you know I'm a bit on the sarcastic side. Just the teeniest little bit. *snarftastic*

I wanna give a shout-out to the "Whatevers!" of aspiring author life. You know what I mean. You know how someone does or says something and you just can't believe it. And the word comes up like vomit and you can't stop it or the disdainful edge in your voice. "Whatever." Something so ridiculous you just have to dismiss it with a wave of your hand and a muttered, "Whatev."

This post is dedicated to you, my Whatever Friends. In honor of:

1. Waiting. I snub my nose at you, Mr. Wait. You are my number one, "Whatever." So anyone waiting for anything right now - the bus, an email, a phone call, just raise your hand and say, "Whatever, Mr. Wait. What. Ev." You do not rule my life. You do not own me. I will not be chained to my email because of you. I can go to Kohl's without having a panic attack. I will even stop at Office Max just to make you wait for once. So there, Mr. Wait. What. Ev.

2. Rejections. Talk to the hand, Devastating Rejection lurking in my inbox. I don't want to read you. I don't want to see you around here again. Take your kind words and "just not for me" and quietly disappear into the rejection folder where I can obsess over you when I'm not so emotional. Or not. Whatever.

3. Social Networking. I can't keep up with you, Information Superhighway. I am in the slow lane, the one with the sputtering car and smoke pouring from the engine while you are roaring on at all hours of the day and night. I try to read blogs and comment. I try to get on twitter and facebook daily. You, Information Superhighway, yes you, are causing me to fail epically. So today, I'm doing the dismissive wave. Muttering, "Whatever," under my breath as I close the Internet browser and shut down the Tweetdeck. My heart may palpitate. My mind may race whilst thinking of what I might be missing. I may even miss you my fickle friend, but whatev.

4. Dieting. Come on in Mr. Half Pound of Bacon and Side of Doritos. I've been expecting you. Yes, I can hear that scale upstairs screaming. He stops after a few minutes, especially when you don't answer. I don't care about him anymore. He shrieks whenever I come near anyway, I might as well enjoy myself a little bit today. So there, Mr. Whoa-You-Weigh-How-Much?. Take your salad and no-fat ranch dressing and sho--

I think I better stop there. Someone please tell me I'm not the only one with a severe case of the Whatever's. Please. And for those of you who'd had this debilitating disease before, what's the cure? How do I get it to go away?

What do you have in your life that makes you hold up the finger-W and say, "Whatever, dude. What. Ev."? Anything? Everything? Anything?


Unknown said...

HAHA! Love this.

I often "whatev" my Google Reader. I subscribe to a lot of blogs, but when it becomes a chore to read through them all, I just traipse off and click "mark all as read." That's all I can do!

M. Dunham said...

For me, it's work. I am doing my best to tell work "Whatever" and not let it consume my life. It's far too easy to do in the research field.

Unknown said...

I think making Mr. Wait wait is a splendid idea! No disease there so no need for a cure. For the rest of the "whatevers", I'm no help at all. I need to get to the "whatever
stage first. I'm still trying to keep up. Failing, but trying... Maybe if every Wednesday was Whatever Day, it would be enough to stave it off for the rest of the week.

Traci said...

LOL!!! I love this!!! I say whatev to everything today. I need sleep! :-)

B.J. Anderson said...

I so hear you on the Doritos and the bacon. Mmmmm. And anything else that will make me gain five pounds just looking at it. :) Great post!

Scott said...

Thanks for the morning laugh. I'm laughing with you, not at you, btw! Seriously, I am. Too - Dang - Funny!

I think my Inspiration is hiding under your couch. I'm not sure if she's (yes, to me Inspiration is a she) has died or not. Have your daughter do an extra spray or two of Lysol for me!


Michelle McLean said...

LOL awesome post :D and I agree 100% with you on every single one. Instead of working on one of my WIPs while my kids are in preschool, I'm going to go watch the shows I taped last night. I'm going to have Oreos for breakfast while I watch those shows. I still haven't logged my latest query rejection from 3 days ago, and I don't plan on doing so for at least another 3 days. I haven't tweeted, FaceBooked, MySpaced, or read or commented on any of my blogs today (well except this one :D ) and I don't paln on it. I can't keep up. And I REFUSE to check my email again to see if there are more nasty little surprises waiting for me. The email can wait. I've got sitcoms and cookies waiting for me, and THOSE I will not say whatever to ;-)

Bish Denham said...

Oh, I can SO identify, particularly with the social networking...since I've just gotten on Facebook and it's driving me nuts cause I can't figure out how to DO ANYTHING and I wonder what the POINT is so in frustration I shut the whole thing down.


Kate Karyus Quinn said...

Ha - I love your whatever philosphy! And I can totally hear it in full Vally Girl-ese.

I have had the whatevers for, um... everything lately. I'm going to try adding more caffeine to my life and see if that helps any.

Elana Johnson said...

Things to Whatever: Google Reader. Done.

Work. Done. In 7 more days, that is.

Things to cure the Whatevers:
Oreos (nice).
TV shows (again, right up my alley)
Caffeine - bring it on.
Sleep - gonna try

Thanks guys! And Scott, maybe that's why the smell is extra strong! Your WiP is under there too. She likes the Febreeze too, I'll let her have that while she's at it. :)

Unknown said...

Perfect post. Right now I have to "Whatever!" all the agent rejections. Even the latest batch of comments like "your writing is strong" "you're a good writer" and "there's some excellent writing here" because they're always followed with the *but*. So WHATEV. ER!! I'm going to blast the music and dance around the house in maniacal abandon. Believe it or not, it helps.

Casey Something said...

This is hilarious. Love it.

I'm connected to my computer and the internet world SO much that I seriously get anxiety when I'm away from it. It's completely ridiculous because I'm not even waiting on Mr. Wait or much of anything important.

SO... lately I've been trying to get away and learn how to say "whatever" to whatever is going on in this social little box of mine.

Eric said...

The biggest Whatev for me is my day job. It's irritating, depressing, and leeches the energy right out of me. So I say Whatever as often as possible, if only to keep sane. I completely agree with everything on this post though. Brought me a smile, that's for sure.

lisa and laura said...

What. Ever.

Michelle D. Argyle said...

My two year old's tantrums.


Sherry Dale Rogers said...


Sherry Dale Rogers said...


Jessica Nelson said...

Awww, that stinks. Yeah, sometimes I'm whatever. Usually with household chores. Like mopping.

Annie Louden said...

Awesome post!
Dude, we both mentioned Kohls today. Bizarre.
If I'm thinking "whatever" to everything, I just take a nap. Ahh, blissful unconsciousness.

Andrea Cremer said...

I raise my glass to you, Elana. Fantastic!

Anonymous said...

Dude, how did I miss reading this earlier. LOVE IT!!! And!!!

Elana Johnson said...

Tantrums - whatever.

Mopping - whatever.

Blissful unconsciousness. I need that. Crave it. Going to bed now... :-)

Mary Lindsey / Marissa Clarke said...

Great post. I can so relate. How about teen angst from kids? That's my biggest whatever. Ah, the drama.

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