Monday, July 20, 2009

The Funniest Story Ev. Er.

Okay, so I went out of town last week. That's not the funny part. No, really, stick with me and you'll be horse laughing for days. Well, I was, and I realize that not everyone laughs as much as I do. I do the hyena thing. Seriously. It's not pretty. Well, sometimes...okay, on to the story.

It's my mom. So I was staying with her before my freezing cold jaunt where-I-almost-died-it-was-so-freezing-cold to Yellowstone National Park.

She paints gourds. Don't know what that is? It's basically like this. It's pretty cool; my mom is talented.

And, uh...funny.

So she collects stuff to use in decorating said gourds. Feathers. Pine needles. Even deer antlers. No, I'm not to the funny part yet.

One of the things she uses is porcupine quills. She has bought them on e-bay before. I guess that just shows that you really can buy anything on e-bay.

Anyway, so we're standing in her studio and she's showing me some of her pieces. And she gets out this Altoids tin and opens and proceeds to tell me that she has obtained these porcupine quills and they are au natural. Like she plucked them from the dead carcass of a porcupine herself.

Yup, you read that right. Go ahead. Read it again if you need to. There is the word "carcass" in there.

Now, you might think this sad fellow had perished in the wilderness near her home. Um, not so much. More like it was ran over.

That's right, folks. My dear mother plucked porcupine quills from road kill!

I could not stop laughing.

And it gets better. She didn't just do this once. Oh, no. She got home and "sterilized" the quills she'd taken from the desecrated corpse. I don't know what all that entails, but I could see like, follicles on the tips. Sterilized? I think not.

Anyway, so the second day, she's putzing around her art studio, and she can't stop thinking about the dead porcupine. So she goes back and gets some more quills!

She's insane. And my dad, dear soul that he is, stood guard for her on the highway so she could pluck more quills from the beast! She said it really stunk the second day.

Um, ya think?

By this time, I was doubled over in laughter. She didn't help matters when she shook the Altoids tin with the non-sterilzed quills in it and said, "This is like, $50 worth of quills!" like it's crack or something and she's really saved a lot by kneeling next to road kill with a pair of tweezers and leather gloves.

I'm still laughing as I type this. My mom is crazy. Love her, but yeah.

So seriously, someone somewhere has to work this quirk into a book. Like the crazy cat lady, my mom is the crazy gourd lady and she plucks quills from dead animals on the side of the road. I think I've said I use real people and my observations of real life in my writing. Yeah, I have. Click here if you're so inclined.

What real life situations or stories have you managed to work into a novel? Character quirks? Anything really. Maybe you just have a funny story you wanna share. I need another good laugh.

22 comments:

christinefonseca said...

LOL...that is HYSTERICAL!!!

Abby said...

That is so funny! Isn't family great?

The last time I remember laughing that much about something was about four years ago. I know every parent thinks their child is cute funny, but my youngest says the most bizarre things sometimes, you have to wonder what is really going on in her head.

One morning, shortly after her fourth birthday, she was lying in bed, watching TV with my husband while I took my two older kids to the bus. The phone rang, at the opposite corner of the bed, so my husband got up and started to crawl across the bed to get it.

From behind him, he hears a tiny voice say, "I see your nuts, Daddy."

In the throws of what threatens to be a very serious heart attack, he turns back to her and says, "What did you say?"

She points to a can of cashews on the nightstand and says, "I see your nuts, Daddy."

Yeah, we were dying laughing about that one for weeks.

Thanks for sharing! Sounds like you had a great time. :)

Word verification: undes - no comment. :D But really, what are the odds?

Suzette Saxton said...

LOL Abby!

Elana, I'm laughing like a hyena. And so glad you are back in town. But you forgot to link to your mom's blog. I wanna see those gourds!

OH! I got a cool word verification: shizissa :)

ElanaJ said...

I asked my mom for her blog address and haven't heard from her. :( So I linked to someone else who does gourd art. If I ever do, I'll fix the link.

And Abby! ROTFL! Thanks for sharing!

Marybeth Poppins said...

Can I just say um...GROSS!!! LOL

My lawn mower man story is my favorite!

(too long for a comment box) But I still think your porcupine quill picking mom tops it!

WindyA said...

People in my office think I'm insane because I'm sitting here, alone in my office, not on the phone and totally LOL! You're a riot!

Scott said...

LOL. Too funny.

But, be lucky you don't live in TN, because they passed a law a few years ago that you can . . . wait, wait . . . pick up the roadkill and take it home with you to serve for dinner. Oh, yes they did. Basically, it used to be illegal if you came by a roadkill deer on the road to haul it off. Now, you have the legal right to pick up that deer, throw it in the back of your pick-up truck (w/the multiple gun racks and the confederate flag lisence plate on the front), take the deer home and do what you want with the deer. Oh yes, it's a state law.

S

Sun Up said...

"This is like, $50 worth of quills!" like it's crack or something and she's really saved a lot by kneeling next to road kill with a pair of tweezers and leather gloves."

I just about died reading that.

It reminds me of the time right after my mom's plant closed down (she used to work for Coca Cola Foods ages ago) and she wanted to learn how to use the computer in her spare time. So she buys a computer, we hook it up to the internet and I was teaching her how to copy and past something the easy way.

I said, "Okay mom, now right click."

She nods studiously, opens up Microsoft Word and...you guessed it...writes the word "click". I laughed...so...so hard.

My mother is also notorious for making up words. Her most famous happening to be "petarized".

She couldn't think of the phrase "domesticating an animal" so she said "pet-a-rized".

I have way too many stories to share about my mom and her antics. This post cracked me up!

H. L. Dyer said...

You have so many great posts... but I seriously think this one might be my favorite. *snort*

Angie said...

That's funny. My mom also has a crazy streak (but don't tell her I said that.) I have definitely used friends and family members in my stories (but don't tell them that either. I don't think they recognize themselves.)

Eric said...

That is definitely hilarious. Most comics will tell you, their best material comes from family members (sometimes thankfully extended family members). Just think though Elana - someday that will be you, albeit with your own particular hobby, as someone laughs at your own peculiarities.

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

*snort* bwahahahaha! Love shaking the tin of quills!
And gotta say Scott gets another belly laugh for the roadkill deli. And just when I didn't think anyone would beat it, we have "right click."
Thank you all for a smiley day.

Kate Karyus Quinn said...

OMG that is too too funny. Great story!

Nisa said...

Your mom is indisputably awesome! You just have to love quirks. What a funny story!

Casey McCormick said...

I once hit a crow with my car. It was still alive and I was totally freaked out. So what do I do? I get out, pick it up, and take it home with me.

I was hoping it would live. It didn't. My friend happened to be over when the crow passed a few hours later and said, "My mom will want that. Can I have it?"

"The dead crow?!"

Turns out she uses crow feathers in her crafts/art (they're native Indian)and uses feathers and fur from road kill all the time.

It also turns out that she keeps them in their FREEZER until she has time to get what she wants from them and sterilize and all that.

Apparently your mom isn't alone in this. Weird and hilarious.

Eileen Astels Watson said...

Your mom's my kind of woman! LOL Waste not, want not.

I've brought dislocated knees and early mornings in the hospital into my books. Some are funny experiences, some not so much.

Danyelle said...

Oh my! I love this.

Jenna Alexander said...

Check under the front seat of her car. She might be carrying a hacksaw for the deer road kill!

Racoon tails
turtle shells
snake skins

She could start her own business

hysterical!

Alanna Coca said...

Great post. I love the story, and love the way you told it even more. I want to meet your mother :)

Solvang Sherrie said...

That's too funny! I wanna meet your mom - she sounds great =)

Katie said...

Oh hysterical! You definitely need to make her a character in a book!

Jaime Theler said...

That's funny! I can't think of a character quirk at the moment (brain dead) but I actually used painted gourds in the first chapter of my last book. There was a lady selling them at a booth and my MC stopped to look at them. I kid you not! So, yeah, your mom's cool. :)

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