Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Wanna Be A Billionaire...

...and not for the reasons you think. Oh, no. For one reason.

You see, my husband drives a 1994 Ford Escort wagon.

Go ahead. Read that sentence again. Try to stifle the laughter. Then let it all out. It's okay, I've heard it before.

The piece of crap has many problems.

People's Exhibit A: The fabric on the ceiling (yeah, you read that right) is falling down. So he stapled it back to the roof.

People's Exhibit B: Someone backed into the passenger door (and didn't bother to tell us) and now that door won't open very far. This actually isn't too much of a problem, since we only take passengers in this car if we're trying to torture them into telling us a government secret.

People's Exhibit C: Did you read the word "wagon" up there? That should be enough, but sadly, it's not. It's also this funky color stuck somewhere between orange and beige. Sometimes we call it tan, sometimes coral. No one's really sure.

People's Exhibit D: No air conditioning. In case you didn't know, we live in Utah, and it's a desert out here. A hot, dry desert.

People's Exhibit E: It's a 1994. You do the math.

I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad. Simply so I can buy my husband a new car. That's not so much to ask, right?

67 comments:

The Golden Eagle said...

That sounds like a . . . dilapidated vehicle. Let's hope you get it replaced! :P

Em-Musing said...

I was trying to find something positive to say about your husband and that old car that would make you feel better. But I couldn't think of anything. No wait, how about this? Obviously he likes older models, so the older you get, the more he'll cherish you.

PaulaKayMac said...

Now if you put this wagon in one of your novels and the novel rose to the NYT's BSL . . . Just saying.

Jennifer Walkup said...

Tee hee., Great post. Made me laugh. Our cars are almost 10 years old if it makes you feel any better. But no fabric ceilings...:D

laurapauling said...

We're a teaching family too and never has there been a brand new car. So I did laugh at your car but only because I can relate. In my husband's car the hazard lights have to be on in order for the blinkers to work, and I used to have to open the hood and bang on the battery for the car to start! I feel your pain.

Justine Dell said...

I think every one would like to be a billionare for one reason or another. Escorts will last a long time just so long as you service them regularly (eventhough wagons aren't the most attractive things in the world). The a/c thing would be my biggest problem. I hate hot.

But hey, at least he's got a car, right? Tell you what, if I become a billionare first (highly unlikely, btw) I'll pitch in for a new ride. ;-)

~JD

Karen Amanda Hooper said...

If I was a billionaire I'd buy you a new car. :) I'm thoughtful like that. But I can't believe you didn't post a pic of this wagon. I want to see it!

Jai Joshi said...

Look on the bright side. That car is big right? Lots of space inside? Lots of space to do things? Fun things?

I say forget the billions and go have some fun.

Jai

Vicki Rocho said...

That's so funny. I assure you I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you. Our current vehicles are fairly current, but we had some real piecers when I was growing up. You know, the kind where you pray when you start it because you never know if it's going to start or not.

Matthew Rush said...

Station Wagon = Grocery Getter.

Hey at least he's willing to suffer to save you guys a car payment. Still, I hear you.

Alicia Gregoire said...

I feel like I've been in your car since you described every rendition of car that I grew up in (except no bat wing windows).

Good luck on winning the lottery to get the new car.

Theresa Milstein said...

It could the fanciest car in the world, but without air conditioning, you'd still deserve a new one.

I had a car with fabric falling off the ceiling that I believed would someday fail to make it up a steep hill in our town. It sort of coughed as it climbed.

When your book comes out, may it sell so well that you can get that new car.

Lily Cate said...

Hey, we have a '94 Taurus wagon!
It actually runs great, air works fine, and its a great car for us garden geeks. You can throw just about anything in the back,and not worry about messing it up.

Still, I am secretly scheming to get my husband a new(er) car to drive. He would never, ever, ever complain about our old wagon (hell, it was free!) but I see the way he looks at new cars. Like a guy who would like to have one.

Kay said...

Oh, that brings back memories. My first car was a 1976 Toyota Coralla wagon I inherited from my grandmother. (I was driving it in 86). There was duct tape holding the dash together, an am only radio, no AC, and the wax job my brother gave it did interesting things. The bumper sticker on the back sank into the paint. The front evidently had no paint left on it so the wax remained permanently streaked across it. Good times. Hope you can get him a new car soon. If you're a billionaire, you might as well make it one of the Tessla electric cars.

Adventures in Children's Publishing said...

So here's my stupid idea for the day. We should start a lottery for starving writers. We pay in one dollar for every rejection we receive, and that entitles us to a ticket. Once a month or quarter, we add it all up and draw a winner. If each agent rejects 100 queries a day, times even 100 agents, that's 200,000 rejections a month. If we could just figure out how to tap into that...

Here's hoping you make your billion -- or at least enough to replace the hubby's car.

Hugs,

Martina

Candyland said...

Dude I GET this!!! Our car is falling apart. Literally. Here's to wishing you billionaire success!

Alissa said...

After my great aunt died, my parents wound up with her car a Ford Escort of about the same vintage as your husband's. It wasn't in such bad shape save for one small detail. In her later years, my aunt had some difficulty in holding her pee, and the car had a certain odor. My parents dubbed that car the piss-mobile then couldn't understand why I wouldn't accept it when they were trying to give it away.

Crystal Cook said...

ELANA!! My husband has a 1992 Ford Taurus wagon!! a 92! And, and none of the doors work except for the driver and passenger ones. And the door paneling is missing so it looks like
C3PO all opened up. And it has NO AIR CONDITIONING! And I live in Utah too!! And, it's a teal green color. And it has a dent in the side when our neighbors hit us.

And it is running on borrowed time, like any day now I expect it to give up the ghost.

No way, this was just too funny, I had to share. I feel your pain sista, when you find the secret to being a billionaire let me know so I can by my husband a new car too okay? Okay. :):)

Crystal Cook said...

Dude, it's me again. I just saw I spelled 'buy' like 'by'. *facepalm* so lame. . .

Falen (Sarah) said...

ugh we're in the same boat. Twin's F-150 is on her last legs, so it's a race to find a new car for her before Trucky breaks down completely.
A billion would be nice, but i would settle for a couple thousand dollars

Eric said...

I know you probably don't believe this, but it could be worse.

He could be driving a Ford Pinto. Or a Gremlin. Or a AMC Pacer.

Still, I feel for you.

Solvang Sherrie said...

LMAO because everyone complains when they have to ride in my beat up old Volvo wagon, which has a dent on the passenger side. Only I kind of did that last spring in Yosemite. Can I help it if a retaining wall was hiding under that snow drift? I'm a SoCal girl. Snow is supposed to be soft! *sigh*

Kristi Helvig said...

I feel your pain. We tend to drive our cars until they die. Last year, a tow truck literally had to come to our house and tow our 1993 car to its grave--it wouldn't start and there were various rubber bands, paper clips, and other MacGyver contraptions that my husband used to keep it together! Hope you get a newer one soon. :)

Shelley Sly said...

I'm right there with you. My hubby's 1996 car is on its last legs, sputtering along, and my 1998 car is only getting by a tad better. Hope you can get a newer car at some point soon!

Kerri C at CK Farm said...

Oh I feel your pain Elana! I used to own a Ford and me and the tow guy were on a name basis. Yup, seriously! You know what they say about them.

F= Found
O= On
R= Road
D= Dead

Nuff said!

If I win the lottery I'll add you to my good samaratain list okay ;)

storyqueen said...

You don't have to be a billionaire...probably even a millionaire would do the trick!

(Me...I'd settle for being a thousandaire.)

Shelley

Sara B. Larson said...

Oh I hear ya. My husband graduated up from driving a 1980 something Ford truck with no A/C to a 1990 something Ford Taurus (his old one from high school actually that was still sitting around) that also doesn't have A/C at the moment. I'd so love to be able to buy him a car (and me one, too... why not? ha ha) and maybe a house as well. That's not so much to ask either, is it?

Tiffany Neal said...

OH my. I had a truck like this for my first vehicle. It even changed the radio station when you honked the horn. Super cool.

I hope you become a billionaire also.

Girlinbetween said...

LOL, this post made me laugh so hard.

Mary Aalgaard said...

Did you name the car? It sounds like the type that would get a love/hate name like Gertrude or Broomhilda.

Lea (YA Book Queen) said...

That car...scares me, lol. I thought my 95' car was bad, but at least it's not anywhere near that ;)

MT said...

Not too much to ask at all - but once it's gone, are you going to miss it (in a strange, backwards sort of way)?

Stephanie McGee said...

LOL

The benefits of being a billionaire are endless, don't they seem?

Good luck with achieving billionaire status.

Tamika: said...

Elana, I think that is wonderfully sweet!

So what kind of car would you by him? Just curious...

Valerie Ipson said...

And just think, it would only take a tiny little portion of the billion to buy that new car. There's the beauty.

Tere Kirkland said...

I'd settle for being a millionaire just so I could pay back my student loans. ;) New car/house/wardrobe would be nice, too.

Jemi Fraser said...

Any vehicle held together by staples should be laid to rest! :)

Robert Guthrie said...

I used to LOVE borrowing my neighbor's '90-something Escort wagon. More zoom and pick-me-up than the heavy 1991 Volvo I still drive.

Crimey said...

I want to me a billionaire so I can afford a car!

VR Barkowski said...

LOL! I think I owned that car. Did your husband buy it used?

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

You poor thing. Reminds me of when we sold one of our cars...for $250. I know, right? My poor husband always gets stuck with the beater, too. I think it's just one of their responsibilities, like unclogging toilets.

P.S. Thanks for getting that song stuck in my head for the next week. :P

Liza said...

Having just replaced a 1996 Jeep with a three year old Toyota, I feel your pain. The darn Jeep is still in the driveway though...our daughter is driving it.

Stephen Tremp said...

LOL! I can relate. I took a voluntary layoff to write my book. Of course, the money ran out sooner than expected and the book took longer to write. So wifey and I are driving two very old cars. But they're paid off.

As soon as I hit the big time wifey gets that dream car. She deserves it for all her support.

Stephen Tremp

Write Chick said...

I don't mean to laugh. I really don't. My husband and I drove the junkiest car for about four years. It had red duct tape as the rear light cover, huge dents in both side doors, and the roof was coming down just the same as you described. We called it "The Ghetto Car" because it looked like it stepped off the scummiest street of New York you could possibly find.
Your post just brought back the memories. :-) Junky cars are one of the joys of being a teacher.

SO the answer to your question is "YES". It is not too much to ask.

Jen said...

If I was a billionaire I would have bought you a brand new car just based on this post alone. It was so funny!!! I loved it... yes I realize I'm laughing at your misery, for that I apologize but not even really sure as to what color the car actually is happens to make me giggle.

That and Exhibit B. :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

He's due!
And at least you're in Utah. Trying living without AC in the hot, humid South.

JEM said...

What car are you trying to buy for a billion dollars? You know they sell new ones for, like, $20K-$30K. You only need to be thousandaire.

Krispy said...

Maybe you can look into something newer but used? I feel you on the heat. The sun's finally back in SoCal, but I forgot my car's AC is a little iffy. Ah well.

When they were doing Cash for Clunkers, we finally said goodbye to my dad's car. It was kind of sad since we'd had it so long; it was one year younger than me!

Angie said...

A worthy reason to want to be a billionaire!

Natalie Aguirre said...

At least you are frugal, huh? My husband just got the air conditioning fixed in his car after 2 years. And we don't live anywhere near as hot as Utah. Hope he gets a new car even if you aren't a billionnaire. Maybe your advance can help with that.

Lisa_Gibson said...

I hear ya' girl! I was driving my little Ford Escort named Trixie until not too long ago. Trixie bit the dust. My mom put my current ride, 2001 Honda Civic my son has named Chip, in her name. I'm paying for it, but still she's done some awesome stuff for me, so any chunck of change I get, I'm sharing part of it with my mommy. ;)

Shannon Whitney Messenger said...

Picture! I want a PICTURE--preferable with you behind the wheel! :)

ali said...

Thank you for considering my safety when you drove me in YOUR car and not the hub's POP. :)

Carolyn V. said...

No A/C? *cringe* I'm so sorry. I hope that check comes soon. =)

Scott said...

Since you started the car discussion . . . the first car I drove was a Gremlin. Yes, a Gremlin. In fact, since I was the youngest, by the time I got to drive the car, the driver's side seat had worn out - my dad, my two sisters, my brother, and then me - that we had to put a phonebook and then a cushion on the seat for any of us to see over the large steering wheel. Ah, the joys of riding around town in the Gremlin . . . when Gremlins were no longer cool. Okay, they were probably never cool, but this is my delusional world!

S

Marsha Sigman said...

Until you become a billionaire, if it breaks down you could get some horses to hook to it, then tell peeps you are Amish and it won't be quite so embarrassing.

I am trying to be helpful but its really hard.lol
I hope you become a billionaire soon for real!!!

Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist said...

You just need to be a "thousandare" then right?

I loved the image of the fabric hanging down from the ceiling. Totally reminded me of my childhood.

Susan R. Mills said...

Hmmm???? Don't we all want that? I want to be a billionaire so I can fix the broken dishwasher that's turning my hands into wrinkled old lady hands, and my manuscript into soggy pieces of papers with my big wet fingerprints all over it.

WritingNut said...

Ahhh... I feel your pain! I had a car like that--it was a '94 Sprint.

Not only did that thing get stuck in a ditch, but the windows would never go back up once you opened them, the heat didn't work in the winter, and the car doors (ALL 4) got stuck and we had to climb in through the trunk.

So yes.. I feel your pain! I wanna be a billionaire tooooo!

Medeia Sharif said...

My vehicle is a mess. It's been in a flood and the paint is peeling, but I'm attached to it.

I'd love to be a billionaire, too.

Lydia Kang said...

Umm, at least it works, right? It goes forward, and backwards...
okay. YOu deserve to be raking in the royalties so he can have a new car.
:)

Kimberley Griffiths Little said...

We still drive our 1986 Suburban and let me tell you - it is ugly and beat up and old and filthy and EMBARRASSING! I so wish it would die. But then I feel bad wishing death on something, even an old, ratty car.

Karen Lange said...

Just think how much he'll appreciate another, newer car, when he gets one.
I'm thinking you could be just slightly shy of a billionaire to manage a newer car. Work the numbers, it could happen. :)

Janet Johnson said...

We finally gave up on our '94 Mazda Protege last year. Ceiling fabric dripping, leaky windshield, the mold smell from said windshield . . . and I could go on.

Good luck with it!

Annette Lyon said...

This brought back all kinds of scary/fun car memories . . .

I have a dream of one day buying my dream car with royalties,. My car---ALL MINE. Bwahahahaha!!

Wouldn't that rock?!

lisanowak said...

I was once in a cab in Washington DC that had, like, a million staples holding the headliner up. (Headliner = that fabric on the ceiling of the car. Now you know.)My friend and I looked up at it, looked at each other, and busted up laughing.

Maurice Mitchell said...

My Mom used to have a junker that the roof fabric fell down from. We never thought to staple it, so we just got used to pushing it off our heads till we got tired of doing it and wore it like a hat. "What up Oprah!"

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