Why Failing Is Good For Us

Okay, so my husband always forwards me things that he thinks I'll like that pertain to writing. Over the weekend, he sent me a link to an interview that Will Smith did. In the interview (which is pretty fascinating, actually), he talks about how the failure of his movie, After Earth, changed him.

In the interview, he says he got the numbers for the movie's first weekend, and was upset--until he got a phone call saying his father had cancer.

"That Monday started the new phase of my life, a new concept: Only love is going to fill that hole,” Smith said. “You can’t win enough, you can’t have enough money, you can’t succeed enough. There is not enough. The only thing that will ever satiate that existential thirst is love. And I just remember that day I made the shift from wanting to be a winner to wanting to have the most powerful, deep and beautiful relationships I could possibly have."

I think sometimes I do this. I think my personal worth, or how valuable I am to my family (or others) comes from how successful I am in my writing. If my sales are high enough, then they'll like me.

But over the past couple of years, I've learned the same thing as Will Smith. Having "friends" who only want to be my friend if I'm getting major deals isn't going to fill the hole. I can't win people that way. No amount of money will buy them. As he says, there is not enough.

I've shifted my attitudes, perceptions, and expectations about five thousand times on this publishing journey. I'm sure I'm not done yet. But really, I've realized that writing is not my life. It is something I do. Something I enjoy. But if I didn't do it, I would still be me. I would still be valuable. I would still have my family, my personal worth, and be happy.

I don't think I would've learned that without some of the failures I've experienced in publishing. So I am grateful for them, and hopefully I can continue to learn from them.

What have you learned on your publishing journey?

(There's a recap of just that part of the interview here. The full interview is here. I recommend reading the whole thing, because it has a lot of other great stuff in it.)

Winning Streak or Losing Streak

Okay, so I've been gone for a while! I swear I didn't mean to do that. But I was crazy-busy with planning and executing WriteOnCon (only the most amazing thing ever!) and then I moved right into work again. School starts TODAY, and I've been swamped with teacherly things, and motherly things, and well, when you stop blogging for a while, you sort of forget it's there... Tell me I'm not the only one who does that!

Anyway, I know I give you guys my professional development lectures every year. I just find them so inspirational, and I find that they almost always relate to how I'm feeling as a writer.

So we focus a lot on data at my school, because we're a Title I school and a lot of our funding comes from such things. One of our speakers was talking about winning streaks and losing streaks. He said something that resonated with me. He said that it only takes two (TWO) events to get on a streak, either winning or losing. Two successes to feel confident. To self-analyze how we're doing, and what we could be doing better. Two successes to feel like we know what we're doing. (He, of course, was talking about creating successes for kids, and I, of course, agreed and then applied it to writing/publishing.) Two successes to think, "Hey, I might be good at this."

Hopefully, you've been on a winning streak before. Maybe even in publishing.

Then he said that it only takes two disappointments or failures to be on a losing streak. Two failed tests. Two instances where a student couldn't perform what they were asked to. And this is the dangerous spiral. When you're on a losing streak, you want to give up. You criticize yourself mercilessly. You have no confidence and no motivation to keep trying. Not only do we start to think, "I can't do this," we continue that thought to "I can't do this, because I'm not good at it."

Oh, how I've felt this in writing. Two rejections in a row can get you there. Maybe my book is terrible. Maybe I'm not a good writer.

Two bad reviews. My book is lame. I can't plot. I should just give up.

The trick is to take the "failures" and make them into successes. Or ignore them. Or make it so you don't even know about them.

Or eat a lot of ice cream and have a writer's group to vent to. Ha!

No matter what, I felt that what our trainer was saying was true. I've felt it as I've pursued a writing career, and I know my students feel it as they try to learn math, science, and English. My goal is make sure EVERY interaction they have is a success, and I'm going to try to work through the losing streak in writing, anticipating a success just around this next corner...

Where are you right now? Winning streak or losing streak?

Embracing Failure

Dude, I can hear the groaning now. The muttered, "Really, Elana? We have to embrace the failure?"

To which I smile broadly and say, "Heck, yes you do!"

See, it's only by falling that we learn how to get back up. Everything we've done in our lives, from learning to walk, to holding a fork the right way, to driving a stick shift comes from failing first.

Why should we assume that writing will be any different? And not only writing, but the publishing process?

I think this is a mistake we make. We assume that because we're adults now, it's embarrassing to fail. Rejection is too hard to face. Revising, editing, submitting becomes too much to endure. Because we might fail--and then everyone will know.

I think that's the wrong way to look at it, because it is only through our mistakes, our trials, our failures that we learn.

When we attempt to write a story and then sell that story:

• We learn how we write best.
• We learn what conditions we need around us to be able to write.
• We learn what kind of books we like.
• We learn our strengths in crafting a story.
• We learn our weaknesses.
• We learn how to stop crying and start again.
• We learn who's on our side, and who isn't.
• We learn what's truly important in life.

And we do it all through writing, trying, failing.

So don't be afraid to fail! As for me, I'm going to embrace the failure. Turn it into fuel for my fire. Use it to learn, grow, change, improve.

It's a writing--and a life--lesson.

*sounds the battlecry* Who's with me? Are you ready to fail?