The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth

Okay, so remember that post I put up a few weeks ago about if you'd be less impressed if I stopped doing certain things? (Click here to read it.)

Well, today's post is along the same emotional vein. And it's this horrible, ugly truth that some of you may not want to be exposed to without the proper protective gear or something.

I feel like I should give you fair warning on that. I don't normally let this side of publishing out there, but I feel like it's something that I need to get out of myself.

It's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I have been a bit lost on my blog as of late. If you've been around, you know that. I have been re-evaluating everything in my writing life, and trying to make the best decisions for me.

Some things I've realized:
1. Being published hasn't changed who I am. In actuality, my life hasn't changed at all. Okay, not that much.

2. In the six months since POSSESSION came out, I have been trying to figure out where I fit on "this side" of the fence.

I have felt jealousy.
Anger.
Resentment.
Joy.
Excitement.
Anguish.

I've cried.
Laughed.
Worked.
Revised.
Edited.
Watched too much TV and eaten too much candy in an attempt to detach from whatever it is that's making me jealous/angry/joyful/excited.

I've felt guilty.
Lost.
Alone.
Never alone.
Proud.
And foolish.

Oh, so foolish. Maybe I'm the only author who's felt this way. I did not think my life would change when my book was published. And like I said, it hasn't. But somehow, along the way, I allowed myself to think that I was important.

And it's hard to accept and swallow the fact that I'm not. It makes a person shy away from the Internet and try to take stock of their situation. As I have done this, I have realized The Truth.

3. I am a midlist author, and POSSESSION is a midlist hardcover.

This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

4. I am not an important author, with an important message. POSSESSION is not an important novel that is nominated for multiple--or any--awards, and it is not a Best Book of Anything.

I feel foolish for hoping for such things, or worse, expecting them.

And I feel foolish for allowing any of the above to make me feel anything but grateful and satisfied.

Because, dude, 5. I wrote and published a novel. A bestseller? No. Midlist? Yes.

Through all of this, I've realized something else:
6. I wrote a book I would like to read. I didn't sit down to write a book so that it could be nominated for awards, or that would change the lives of those who read it, or anything else.

7. I write because I like it. I write books that I'd like to read.

That's it. The truth.

I don't even have a question for you today. Thanks for reading this mongo long thing, and forgive me as I continue to hibernate, work past the foolishness, and try to be the best writer I can be.