But...But...

It has come to my attention that a secret has been spilled about me. So in an attempt to thwart such thoughts as "Elana is deep," I bring you today's blog post, courtesy of my better half (AKA, Mr. J.).

My husband teaches sixth grade. Trust me, you'd want to be twelve again just to be in his class. He is that funny, witty, good. Anyway, so last week he was teaching his kids how to summarize. They had read this article about BATS. When he first modeled writing, he accidentally wrote BUTS. Then he changed it and moved on with his life.

But the kids did not.

Oh, no. Kids don't move on from buts very easily.

They kept laughing and finally Mr. J was like, "What's so funny?"

And the kids go, "We keep thinking of 'but' instead of 'bat'."

So Mr. J did what any self-respecting sixth-grade teacher would do. He changed all the "bats" to "buts." And then they read the summary out loud.

Here's the summary in its entirety.

Butman

Buts can seem very scary. In fact, many people are afraid of buts. But after reading Merlin D. Tuttle’s article, “But Man” I’ve realized that buts are actually smart, amazing creatures.

There are all types of buts; however, they are all mammals, and they all have wings. Some buts have suckers on their feet. Some are small, but others are very large. As you can see, buts are all very different from each other.

Buts eat a variety food. Some eat fruit and nectar. Others seeds and plants. They are not picky eaters. Many buts are carnivores, eating lizards, rodents, birds, and even other buts.

In order to get their food, buts use all kinds of hunting techniques. Most buts use echolocation. They use sound to locate food. Others use sight and smell to locate their prey. One kind of but even hunts on the ground. The frog-eating but can tell whether a frog is poisonous just by listening to its sound.

Buts can live in a variety of places. They can make their own homes from leaves or from burrowing in logs and trees. Many buts live in caves.

Mr. Tuttle and But Conservation International (BCI) have helped people see that buts are not scary creatures. Now, people even come from all over the world to see the buts in Austin Texas where BCI is located. They have done a great job telling the truth about buts.


See why you want to be in sixth grade again?? (Me = ROTFL) My favorite part is where the buts eat other buts. Can't...stop...laughing...

Do you have a funny story to share? Lay it on me! I need a good laugh.

B.L.O.G - What Does It Stand For?

So my boy kidlet and I were chatting the other night. We were talking about my blog (which he and my DH don't understand, like at all). He said, "What does blog stand for anyway?"

I'm thinking, Hmm...

So he goes, "Biological... (cuz, that's really logical. But I guess that's where an 11-year-old mind goes.)...League... (who doesn't need a league? I've always wanted to be in a league. Like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Except I'm not a man. But you get the idea.)...Of... ... ... ... Goons."

Commence hyena laughing.

That is all.

(BTW, he was totally offended when I typed this post and called him a kidlet. He prefers "tween" just FYI.)

(BTW x 2: He said, "NO. Mature tween." Pshaw. And humph. You should see his room. Mature? I think not.)

(BTW x 3: He was next to me during the writing of this post. He is a fan-freaking-tastic kid. He is not offended I said his room was a mess. He knows it is.)

(BTW x 4: What do you think blog stands for?)

Somethings

Okay, quick question: Would it be lame if I had another blog just to list all the blogs I read? Maybe? Well, too bad. It's done. Will be revealed soon.

Something uber-awesome:

I got an ARC of HUSH, HUSH by Becca Fitzpatrick. I don't check the mail regularly in the summer, so it could have been there for days. Didn't matter. I devoured (yes, devoured) it in one day. It's just that good. If you like YA--or just good writing--you'll wanna pick up this book when it comes out in October.

Cover: amazing

Story: fantastic

Writing: well-done

Overall: Uber-Awesome (with caps)


Something funny: Yesterday's post was called "The Pants". When the comments showed up in my email, they made me snarf out loud. For instance, they looked like this: Lazy Writer - New Comment on The Pants.

It was hilarious. Ahem. Maybe you had to be there.


Something not so funny: The last part of my root canal is tomorrow.


Something worth mentioning: If you live in Utah, or near Utah, or are planning to come to Utah, UVU is having a conference in September. I'm all signed up and I'm going to wear a schweet critique group T-shirt. You won't want to miss it. The conference or the T-shirt.


Something I did I wish I wouldn't have: Ate key lime fudge. 'Nuff said.


What little something have you contributed to the world?

4 Out Of 5 Bejeweled Blitz Games Agree...

Yeah, I know. I told you I was going to ressurrect the Teaser Tuesday... Um, not so much. Next week, friends. Next week.

Instead, I give you...

Bejeweled Blitz Magic 8 Ball!

Ooooh, shiny.

This is courtesy of H.L. Dyer. She uses her score on Bejeweled Blitz as sort of a predicter. You know, whatever you'd ask a Magic 8 Ball, you can ask BB. Just pick a score and play!

Okay, so I'm not like the BB Goddess or anything, but I can usually get a score between 30 - 85 K, give or take a few thousand. Sometimes I get 6500. Whatever.

My question (yes or no only): Will I get good news this week?

So I picked the score of 50,000. If I got above 50K, the answer was yes. Below, no. Now, since I have quite a severe addiction to BB, I only gave myself 5 minutes. That's 5 games. Best 3 out of 5 you could say.

Yeah.

4 out of 5 Bejeweled Blitz games think I'm going to get good news this week! It could be anything, like the starting date for school has been postponed a month...or that my garage has mysteriously cleaned itself...or something.

Does anyone have a Magic 8 Ball they want to confirm this with? Thx.

Do any of you do stuff like this to pass the time? Or any other quirks you feel like sharing about yourself? Lay them on me, I'm ready.

If You've Got Five Minutes...

You're gonna love this. Trust me. It's five minutes and worth every single second. You might wanna even watch it twice. I could preform it for you by now. I won't. I can't sing.


This is how I feel when I'm in a Writing Rut. (I'm not saying I am. It just reminded me of it. But I could be...) It seems like I have certain words and phrases and descriptions I use over and over again--like Pachelbel and the same chords in every song.

Do you do this? How do you make each story distinct with the words you use? I try to listen to the characters, but sometimes I find myself always using, say, something like this, "She held the XXX in front of her like a shield." And it's never something that could actually, yanno, shield anything. It's like her history paper. Or the pants that boy is bringing over. Or something. (Don't try to make sense of the pants. Really. Maybe I'll post it for Teaser Tuesday. That's right. It's being resurrected. Prepare yourselves.)

Anyway, back to Pachelbel and repetition in your stories. With all the letters and words and sentences and different ways to put them together, do you ever find yourself writing in a rut? If so, how do you get out?

By the way, I do this (the rut thing) with dinner too. My boy kidlet will sometimes say, "Sloppy joes...again?" and I give him the laser eye and he mumbles, "Sorry," and eats his stinking sloppy joe. Again.

Crit Group Commentary

Okay, so I meet with a live critique group every other Thursday. It's like the highlight of my existence. Well, that might be taking it a bit far, but I really enjoy it. I've gone when I have raging sinus infections (I'm sure the other members were thrilled about that), I've gone when my son has pack meeting (cuz let's face it. Pack meetings are like torture), and I've gone when it's snowing like crazy mad. I'm like the post office people. Rain, shine, sinus infection, I'll be there.

Ali, Jenn and Stacy are made of awesome. We have sooo much fun. So today, I thought I'd share some quotes from last Thursday night that had me rolling on the floor laughing. And we all know that laughter is the best medicine, especially when you've got three pirahnas tearing into your work. In person. And you have to look them in the eye and try not to feel like every word you've penned is complete and utter suckage.

So we laugh a lot. It's my coping mechanism. But hey, I like being critiqued. (And I still don't have a T-shirt for that, but all in good time.)

So here are some things that were said at the group. I paraphrased some of them so I hope Jenn and Stacy don't mind. I have a good memory, but I'm no Einstein. I totally get that you might not understand them, or why they're funny, but they really are. Really.

----------

"I can do dirty."

"The 'fill her up' freaked me out. 'Fill her up'? Fill what up? I mean, 'fill her up'?"

"I kind of like the idea of a chasm."

"Have you ever had your hair razored?" (To me! They asked me this! I'm nothing if not into razoring my hair.)

"You don't have to eat this if you don't want to."

"She's put out all this other stuff. I was wondering where the fishing line is."

"The basis of my experience with cattle ranching comes from City Slickers."

"What's with you and all your guys being obsessed with hair?"

---------

So here's my question for you: How do you deal with critiques? Maniacal laughter like me? Major stewage afterward? (I do this too.) Is it hard to have your writing critiqued? Why or why not?

BONUS: Would you wear a T-shirt that said, "I like being critiqued"? (lol)

If Writing Were A Reality TV Show

Holy next top model surviving on the big stage in Hollywood. I watch a lot of reality TV. And I wonder...what would the judges say if it there was a writing reality show? Like, say, Author Idol. Or America's Next Top Author. Or Writing with the Authors. Or So You Think You Can Write? Or Rejection Survivor. Hey! We should make a badge for that. *Kate? Kate?*

I hear Simon Cowell say, "That lacked originality." I think that could work on Author Idol.

I hear Tyra Banks say, "She's a model, but she's not model-ing." Totally works for writing too. "She's a writer, but she's not write-ing."

I hear Coach [on Survivor] say, "We'll see who the dragon slayer is." Well, okay, maybe that wouldn't be said on Rejection Survivor, but still.... I kinda like the idea of being the dragon slayer. Maybe I'll have to write a novel about a dragon slayer. Then I could live vicariously through my character. *snarf, snarf*

I hear Phil on Amazing Race say, "You had some problems there in the road block." Totally an appropriate comment on So You Think You Can Write? during the climax or whatever.

I hear Bobby Flay say, "Your culinary point of view isn't clear." This could apply to the point of view in a novel. Are you head hopping? Don't do it.

I hear Bruno Tonioli say, "You've got to bring the raunch back." Well...maybe not so much.

There could totally be a writing reality TV show. So I think I might type up a little proposal for Fox and see what they say. The show could consist of terrified-looking authors doing a reading of their own work. Papers clenched in trembling fingers. Then the judges (a panel of shark-tank agents or whatev) could confer, maybe get some of those kewl paddles with scores on them and give some feedback. Yes?

Here's a pop-quiz for you. Who would say these if writing were the topic on a reality show?

1. "I wouldn't read this if I were on my death bed. I think this is going to be the last week we have to listen to your drivel. Sorry."

2. "So tell me, Elana, what did you think of Christine's story? Does she deserve to be here next week? I mean, it's a million dollar publishing contract. That's a big decision."

3. "I'm sorry to say, your story is the last to 'arrive.' You have been eliminated from the competition."

4. "It sounded great. I just wish I knew how you view writing. You seem to be all over the place with your genres. You need to narrow in on just one."

5. "You took a concept that has been used and made it your own. Sassy and daring. I like that."




What else would be on Author Idol? Would you sign up? I totally would. I like being critiqued. One of my critmates said I should make that into a T-shirt. Would you buy it? Kate? Could you do a mock-up of that too? A T-shirt that says, "I like being critiqued." That could be the uniform for the writing reality TV show.

What's With the Letter K?

Okay, I haven't been reading tons of books, but I have been reading tons of queries. And synop's. And reading writing/author blogs all over the Internet.

Here's my question for the day: what's with the letter K? It seems like every single male MC out there has a weird name that starts with the letter K (or a hard C, which makes the same sound). And I don't mean Ken.

No I mean, like Kendin. (I sincerely apologize if that's your MC's name. I just made that up. Srsly.)

Or Cotton.

Or Kornill.

Or something just so out there.

I mean, come on! What is with that? Are people not naming their boys normal things anymore? Where are the Jon's? (Yes, I'm extremely partial to that name.) The Trent's? The Jason's? The Landon's? Don't they deserve a story too?

I know this is my personal issue that I need to deal with. I'm just wondering if any of you can save me from the therapy fee I'm going to have to pay if the next book I pick up has a male MC with a K name.

Makes me wish I had named my boy kid Konanter.

*Snarf*

Anyway, so I started looking at the names of my male MC's. I've got Jon, Jared, Jag, Jesse (I even wrote a book about a Jess--a different book) and Josh. Apparently, I have an affinity for J-names. I also have Landon, Isaiah, and Hunter. Those are all safely in the middle of the alphabet from H-M. I even wrote a book with four brothers and their names are Jake, Kent, Luke, Mark. J, K, L, M. A character even comments on it.

This made me go hmmm.....and I love musing, so this was a good thing.

I also have Adam, Cal and Zenn. So apparently, my guys are either at the beginning of the alphabet or huddled in the middle. Does this stem from our human nature that most of us don't want to go first, but we don't want to be last either? More hmmm...

So what are you male MC names? Let me know, and maybe I'll make a chart because I'm just that geekalicious. Or maybe because I'm teaching charts to 6th grade next week for the country fair and I need something kewl to show them. Yeah, lets go with that one.

A Good Day - My DH is Funnier Than Me

I love my DH (darling hubby). He is awesome. And he's hilarious, which sorta makes me a little jealous and not at all jealous at the same time. Because I love to laugh, and I'm glad I have someone who makes me guffaw on a daily basis.

Here's some of my favorite stuff about him.

1. He thinks the television (producers, actors, directors, I'm not really sure) industry has a commercial conspiracy against him. Personally. Because all the stations go to commercial at the same time. He loathes commercials. I'm not sure that's a strong enough word for how he feels about commercials. But a commercial conspiracy? Whatev.

2. He can make up lyrics to any song at any time in any situation. He plays the guitar and sings to his class at the end of every school year. Last year he did "One More Minute" by Weird Al Yankovic. He changes the words to education stuff. Here's a snippet:

I'd rather rip out my intestine with a pen
Than have you in my room ever again
I'd rather staple my fingers in the floor
Again, and again, and again, and again, and again
Oh, can't you see what I'm trying to say kiddies

I'd rather have my brain fried by your questions
Shove a ruler under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean out the upstairs faculty bathroom with my tongue
Than spend..one more minute...with you.

Yes, I'd rather dive naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with Elmer's glue
I'd rather dive into a garbage can filled with last week's leftovers from the lunchroom
Than spend...one more minute...with you.

And you should have seen him perform it. It was hil-freaking-arious.

3. We can perform an episode of Seinfeld before it airs. He always gets the best lines and I'm left laughing while trying to say mine. It's totally not fair.

4. He always says he can learn to do anything in three days. Watching Michael Phelps swim in the Olympics. "Give me three days," DH says. Dancing with the Stars, the quickstep. "Three days, I could do that." He's sorta like that dad on My Big Fat Greek Wedding who challenges everyone to tell him a word and he'll show you how it came from the Greeks. Yeah, that's my DH. He almost dares us to give him something he can't do in three days. The convo goes something like this:

Son: Fly an airplane.
DH: Done that.
Daughter (she's 4): Um...waddle like a penguin.
DH: Three days.
Son: Win the Australian Open.
DH: Give me something hard.
So I say: Write a book.
He rolls eyes eyes, scoffs, and says, "Please. I could do that in one day."

I spewed Ginger Ale that day.

It was a good day.

General Hilarity

I love to laugh. I think everyone should have at least one good belly-laugh every single day. So today's post is going to be things I found funny enough to use my belly-laugh on. They may or may not be funny to you, because, well you know, sometimes you just have to be there. But here goes.

This past weekend, I was hanging out with my brother and sister-in-law and another sister-in-law. I was with relatives, sheesh. Both SIL's who were there are super-skinny, and I think we've all established that I'm not. So they know I'm doing the Biggest Loser thing at school--I interrupt this for a public service announcement: I lost 4 pounds last week. Did I tell you I was going to kill this thing?--and they were telling me about the exercise they do.

One SIL then said, "I love raisin bars. I have some for breakfast, some for lunch, and then a sensible dinner. It's like the Slim-Fast plan, only different."

I lost it. My belly-laugh was way too loud. It was just soo funny. In case you don't know what raisin bars are, think of raisin-filled cookies with no top crust. See? Carb-counters of the world, you could be on the raisin bar diet.

Then we started playing Wizard. It's this card game sort of like hearts. The same SIL goes, "So I have to play...(looks around the table)...clovers?"

I was like, "Um, they're called clubs." Spew!

These things may have been funny because I was on my second Mucinex pill of the day. I don't know, but I seriously could not stop laughing.

My SIL's are my favorite people. On to something different. In a forum I participate in, we were discussing which word to use for something, I can't even remember what. The choices came down to "with" or "using". The general consensus came to "using." One lady posted, "I like using too. *snort*"

That caused a fit of online giggling, rolling on the floor laughing, and other general mayhem. It was FUN-nee.

I'm gonna go confessional on you now. I love reality TV. I even DVR'ed "America's Toughest Jobs" and it should have been called "America's Dumbest Show." I watched almost to the end. Anyway, so we're watching American Idol this week. My husband says, "Is that an apron Paula's wearing?" I almost died laughing. Let me see if I can find a pic. I can't. Oh well. It was the black, sparkly one that really did look like an apron. Very funny.

That's all I can think of right now. But I'm going to have a funny contest on my blog this week...get ready to use those weird and wonky words you've been seeing around...while commenting...

Getting In (and Out) of the Pool of Writing Funk

It's time for the blog chain again, and this time, you have to put up with me. That's right, folks, I get to choose the topic. Since I've been struggling with this the past few days weeks months, I'm interested to know what other writers do. We're gonna be all over the Elana-pool today, so prepare yourselves. Maybe a life jacket or two. One of those buoy things. Whatever keeps you afloat.

Ready? Let's jump in.


When you're in a pool of writing funk, how do you get out? And this is the deep end, people. Answers like, "take a walk" or "call my mom" won't cut it. That will leave you splashing in the deep end without a life preserver. And I had to fire my lifeguard last week for obvious budget cuts, so don't even go there. This is deep, people.

Now doggie paddle to the shallow end. I want your favorite funny and/or thing that makes you happy. A cartoon. A quote. An lol cat (just for you Michelle). A song. Something I can steal and put in my arsenal to combat the writing blues. Pull out your best one, peeps. I need something good this month. You never know, your "life-saver" could become mine. Yes, I'm just that illegal.


Not sure what the Pool of Writing Funk is? Maybe you've heard of the Lake of Self-Doubt. No? The Ocean of What-the-heck-am-I-doing? Or maybe each rain drop in your life seems to whisper, "You're not good enough." These all contribute to the pool.

So I guess I have to wallow in my own pool. When I'm in a funk, which seems to be happening every other day these days, what do I do? First, I don't wallow alone. That's right. I drag others down with me. Lol! No, seriously, my writerly friends are a tremendous help to me. All it takes is a post, an email or an IM and I'm with people who understand. (I guess you could say you call your mom if she's also a writer and knows what it feels like to be on the losing end of this whole writing thing. Otherwise, don't…just don't.)

Another thing I try to do when I'm feeling out of sorts is read. I've had to make the rule that blogs and forums don't count. A book. An article. (Right, like I'm that deep. Puh-lease.) Mostly books. I also plan an escape. For me, this is into a virtual world. I love to play video games. I killed Piñata Party. I raised those piñatas like nobody's business. My garden ruled. I also like Bookworm, and that game always provides an escape for me. From life, from writing, from that stupid character who just won't do what I want them to. Or the plot hole. Yeah, I run from those.


Okay, give me a sec to get to the shallow end of the pool. Whenever I need something to make me spew on the screen, I retreat to the TV. I know, I know, some of you don't like TV. But there is nothing like watching an episode of The Office. Maybe Seinfeld. Now that you can watch pretty much anything you want OnDemand, I can always slam the computer closed and curl up on the couch with the remote in hand. I love to laugh, and there's nothing like a good sitcom to cheer me up. Here's my favorite clip from The Office. Yeah, I like physical humor stuff.



That is my kind of exercise!

And this one is the funniest thing I've seen in like, forever. I rewound it over and over. Dwight is my favorite character. Well, maybe Jim. Or Stanley. Dude, I love them all!



Can't. Stop. Laughing. And that's the shallow end of the Elana-pool, people.

Ahem, back to the Pool of Writing Funk. All this and you don't even have to wear your swimming suit to dive into this pool. Check out what Leah does while floundering in the pool and meet me back here for a complete hot-towel wrap up at the end of the chain.

This is Exactly How I Feel About Twilight

Seriously, people. I didn't like the movie.

This is the funniest thing you'll ever see. Watch it. Laugh. I did, right out loud at many, many things. I could tell you my favorite lines, but I think it would ruin it for you. Holy Forks, Santa. You've got to watch it. Now.

And this was pretty funny too. And totally spot on.

**Sorry to all those of you who liked the movie. Books = awesomeness. Movie = suckage.**

Thanks to Jen for the first video. She made my year. She needs chocolate. Or maybe socks.
And to Moonrat for the link to the best screenplay ev-er.

Perks for Today

I think some of you will think I'm making these stories up. I swear I'm not, but I do think I'm cursing myself. Every night I lay in bed and think, "I wonder what will happen tomorrow." I need to stop doing that.

So I present some perks of my day:

1. The road I take to work was closed. I think I've mentioned my need for order and routine. I turned right, found a different street, made it back to the main road. Construction. Again. I turned left, completely ignoring the barriers for some reason, right out into the marked off lanes you weren't supposed to drive in. Luckily, they hadn't made it to that section of road (why it was blocked off, I don't know, grumble.) and I was okay. But I felt stupid. See what happens when you close the road I normally take? I can't even function!

2. The computer lab is currently 91 degrees at the writing of this blog post. Ninety-one. I'm so boiling hot, I can't even think. And the kids keep asking me, "Why is it so hot?" I don't control the temperature of my own room. It's a district thang. "Can I take off my coat?" Um, yes. "Will it be hot tomorrow?" Let me look into the future. Magic 8 ball…signs point to yes. I mean, those district guys can't do anything fast. Or easy. I'm sure a committee will be formed to discuss the hotness of my lab. No, really.

3. Pack meeting. Lots of face painting, and one of the boys got his bear. The paint is all brown and the parent basically paints a face around your existing face. By the way, if you haven't experienced a pack meeting, you should be extremely thankful right now. If you have, please accept my condolences. Back to the face painting. So the boy's mom paints on a face on the boy's chin. She accidentally got some on his lip. He laughed and was all grossed out. The cubmaster said, "Oh, is that messing with your lipstick?" I lost it. I laughed and laughed and laughed some more. This is sooo something both my husband and I would say to our students at school. Every few seconds, I busted into more silent laughter. I'm still laughing!

Ahhh, the ups and downs of life.

Reading: ENNA BURNING by Shannon Hale