Okay, so I hope this post doesn't come of as A) whiny, or B) rude. I think it might actually do both. Maybe I'll delete it before it goes live. Ha!
But I'm going to admit something: It's sometimes hard for me to be around other authors. I love them. I do. I like hearing about their projects, their successes, their struggles.
But I'd like to keep the questions away from myself. I don't want to talk about my projects. Or my struggles. I just don't.
Maybe it's because it takes me a long time to trust people, and I don't want everyone to know everything. Maybe it's because I don't quite know what to say. Maybe it's because there simply ISN'T anything to say, and then I feel lame trying to come up with something that makes things sound better than they actually are.
No matter the reason, I've been struggling to want to get together with other authors, even in a non-writerly capacity. Because no matter what, the conversation always turns back to writing.
I'm still enjoying writing -- and I'm feeling rejuvenated after the conference I attended last week -- but at this moment, I'm not really enjoying the socializing aspect of writing. I get that "no man is an island," but right now I kind of want to be.
Tell me I'm not the only one who struggles with this from time to time... Anyone?
Okay, so it's the first Wednesday of the month. That means it's the Insecure Writer's Support Group. I don't participate often, but I am this month. So I live in Utah. You may or may not know this, but there's about five million authors that live here. Big, famous ones like Brandon Sanderson, Dan Wells, James Dashner, Shannon Hale, Jessica Day George, Ally Condie, Brandon Mull, and Jennifer A. Nielson. (And that's only a few of the authors who live here.) All New York Times bestsellers. I know most of them. Have their emails. See them at conferences and in more casual situations.
So it's pretty easy to feel like a loser. In fact, I went to a launch party last week for a good friend of mine, and it was super-fun. I went with five other people (which sort of goes against everything in me, but that is another blog post for another day). Of the five of us, I was the only one without an agent, a new book deal, or some other Amazing Thing.
I felt like a loser.
As I was downing my southwest Caesar salad (love it, try it) in an attempt to stay out of the conversation and get this dinner over with! I remembered something my husband said a few weeks ago.
How you feel is your choice. Those were not his exact words, lest he read this (which he will) and be like, "When did I say that?"
His exact words were "You choose to be happy." And not exactly in that order, but that's what my brain heard. Just like it heard "How you feel is your choice."
So at the restaurant, I slowed down on the food consumption and tuned back into the conversation. I asked other people about themselves, their agents, their publisher imprints. I decided right then and there that I was not a loser, that I could be happy for my friends even though my writing career hasn't gone exactly how I wanted it to go.
Those people are my friends. They work hard. They weren't "making me" feel a certain way. I was feeling that way all by myself. And I have the ability to change it.
I did. I won't say it was easy, because it wasn't. I had to concentrate on it the whole night. I was exhausted when I finally got home. But I had a great time, and I was happy--with myself and for my friends. No loser-ness in sight.
Have you ever had to work to change how you feel? How did it go for you?
I know, I know. That sounds like a really bad title. Give me a few minutes, okay? Okay.
So there's nothing better than having writerly friends. They get you, really get you. They understand the voices, the dreams, the nerves, the disappointment, the highs, everything. They party on the ledge with you. They jump when you jump. They offer a parachute when yours doesn't open. They critique, support, laugh and buy dessert at lunch.
There's nothing better than writerly friends.
At the same time, they're part of The Curse. Don't get me wrong, I love ALL my writerly friends. To pieces. And then some.
But sometimes not knowing is priceless.
Here's what I mean by that. We're all on a journey towards publication. And the most important thing to remember is that your journey is absolutely unique. We cannot journey down the same road, even though the destination is the same.
I know this. Believe me, I repeat it to myself every time I hear about someone who's seen their cover, gotten a sneak peak at their book trailer, has a book deal and can shout about it, has a book out already, whatever whatever. And I really am happy for those writerly friends. I'm on the roof, screaming and partying with them. Truly.
Again, don't get me wrong. But sometimes it's easier not to know how fast/slow a book sold. How fast/slow someone got an agent. How fast/slow the art department is at Bloomsbury/Sourcebooks/Penguin/Delacorte.
At the same time, I'd totally feel bad if I didn't know about the journey's of my writerly friends. And thus it's a Curse. This cyclical Curse wherein I find myself repeating "My journey is my own. My journey is my own."
Does any of this make sense to anyone but me? Yeah, probably not. It's probably just the monster in me trying to reconcile internal demons on my own road toward hell publication.
Does anyone else have this Curse? (please say yes, please say yes, please say yes) Is it easier not to know sometimes? Do you feel bad when you don't know, though? If so, you have The Curse. My condolences. *wink*
This amazing moment came after the awards ceremony. I'm telling you, this party brought the biggest smile to my face. So thank you, Al Gore, for inventing the Interwebs so we could "meet" online and then meet in RL. (And for those who are mathematicians, there's only 14 of us in the picture. But Jaime Theler was there and so was Kim Webb Reid. They had to leave early though. And Jenn Johannson was supposed to come, as was Danyelle Leafty. Maybe next time!)
Which writerly friends have you met in real life? Who do you want to meet?
More pics, just for fun:
(Yes, that's me with two different flavors of Ben & Jerry's. De-lish.)
(Me and girl kidlet handing out some schweet awards during the ceremony.)
I've written songs for you
Comments galore
I spilled about my writing origins
And much, much more
Holy crap, I'm writing poetry
Something I swore I never did
See? That's how wicked amazing you guys are
I'll do whatever you bid
I love living the impossible
I love how you endure my rants
I love hearing your innermost thoughts
Hey, I even like your pants
Thanks for clicking over here
Thanks for being my fabulous friends
Thanks for leaving your comments
I hope this journey never ends
Elana
By the way, I've been having brainwave after brainwave for my newsletter. And at the risk of sounding snooty, I think it's gonna rawk the house! Sign up if you haven't yet!
You've been good to me. I laughed. I cried. I whined. I chatted. I critiqued. I wrote. I jumped off the ledge a lot. And every moment was worth it.
I wrote three books, one completely by hand. Another on the computer. One in ebook format. And I finished a fourth novel, one that was born in 2008, but that you helped me "grow up."
I queried. Oh, how I queried. And I cried. And laughed. And squeed. And whined. And chatted. And jumped. And every moment was worth it.
Because I signed.
I revised. Oh, how I revised. The last quarter of this year has seen my MS grow and grow and grow until I can't even believe it's the same book I queried.
I blogged. Dude, I can blog. Not only for QueryTracker, but here too. Every day. Five days a week. Very few breaks. I read blogs. Commented on blogs. Followed blogs. Thank you, 2009 for an amazing year of new bloggy friends--321 of them, all from this year. In fact, I had to create a new list just for them. It grows daily. I smile. And read.
Next year is sure to be just as awesome. I look forward to conferences, submissions, reading amazing books, meeting online friends and leaving reviews.
Yes, 2009, you read that right. I know I haven't left a single review this year for any of the books you blessed me with. Even though I said I would. Even though I thought about it. But next year is my year. I'm going to leave reviews for every book I read on Amazon or Goodreads.
It's one thing I can do that I'm not doing now. (And really, 2010, with everything else you hold, one more thing is probably all I can handle.)
Yeah, I'm going totally musical on you today. Particularly from the musical Wicked. See I love Wicked. I like all the songs, but none as much as this one.
Today's song: For Good from the musical Wicked.
Lyrics that inspire:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
I have many stories of people who have helped me in my life. Reminded me of who I am. Who I am not. Shown me that good exists inside of people. They have all touched my life, molding and forming me into the kind of person I am today.
So what does this have to do with writing? Well, it could be applied in any number of ways to character development. But I think it has to do with the community of writers I've been lucky enough to "meet" and "know" online. We really are led to each other in remarkable ways. We help each other, lift each other up, change each other
And that's just kewl
Thus ends writing lessons from Wicked.
What do you think about your fellow writers? Aren't they WICKED awesome? Do you think you've been helped in your journey in some way by those around you?
Today is an important day for me. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I've been waiting for October 26 for a while now. During this wait, I've relied pretty heavily on those around me to keep my spirits up.
But as I was thinking the other day, something hit me. Not like a brick or anything, but you know, a deep thought.
I can't remember what sparked it. A blog or an email or a comment somewhere. But I remember thinking, "Oh, I'm gonna make it. That, I'm not worried about."
And as soon as I thought it, my next thought was, "Are you being overconfident?"
And that new thought has been somersaulting in my brain for while. Now, before you think *I* think I'm all that and a bag of chips (ooh! Chips!), I've also had a few emails from people who are just starting to get to know me. One particular email basically said that I'm a tad intimidating. Me! This is not the first time I've heard this, although I'm unsure as to why.
I swear I'm going to link these two random thoughts. So I've been stewing over my confidence issues: Am I overconfident? And the email: You're intimidating.
And I wonder if they're related.
Does confidence spur intimidation? A dear (dear dear) friend of mine told me that she believes some people may be intimidated by me because I put out the attitude that I will make it in this business. And you know what? She's right. I absolutely 100% believe that I am going to make it. At the same time I don't intend to put people off by acting arrogant or overconfident. I just happen to think I've worked hard, learned a lot from the successes of others, applied what I've learned and that, yeah, eventually, I'll make it. This is something my dad taught me that I'll never lose: If you work hard enough, you can do anything you want. (Thanks, Dad.)
What say you about confidence (too much or not enough), intimidation or anything else?
Okay, I'm going in deep again today. I know it's Friday and some of you might not be able to handle it, but take a big swig of your favorite beverage (Ginger ale for me) and you'll be fine.
Online Personalities. Yes, capitalized. The question is coming at the beginning of this post. Here it is: Are you yourself online?
A couple of days ago, I met up with Suzy, Michelle, (me) Tess and Natalie. That's me in with the red flower in my hair, so you can match faces with names.
I've been reading most of their blogs for a while now. I've met Suz lots of times; we go way back. But I was nervous to meet the others. Why? you might ask. Because you never really know if someone is who they say they are when you only know them online.
Let me say that again: You never really know if someone is who they say they are when you only know them online.
You know this is true. Think of all the Dateline's you seen about child predators. Why would we think because we're authors and bloggers that it's any different? It's not. Some people put out personal information about themselves and their family. You might feel like you know them.
You don't.
So rewind. I was nervous, and I was late because my girl kidlet had tumbling class. When I got there, the party was in full swing. And I was thrilled to report that each and every one of them ARE who they seem to be online. So I relaxed and had a good time. I hope they did too!
So I want you to think about the "you" you're putting out there.
What would people be able to say about you? Are you being your authentic self online? Do you think it's important to be able to "trust" your online friends?
I totally do.
In fact, I participate in online critique groups with people I've never met. And I've learned that these kinds of groups don't form overnight, because you never really know a person until you've given them a few months to prove consistent and trustworthy behavior.
What do you think? Am I way off-base here? What's the status of your online friendships? How fast did they develop? Do you trust those people you've never met?
Here's the question of the day again: Are you yourself online? If someone met you in real life, would they be able to say, "You're exactly like how you write on your blog!"
I hope people can say that about me. (Suz, Tess, Michelle, Natalie?) I aim to be myself in any and every situation.
I have problems. Lots and lots of problems. I'm sure several of you could name a few for me. Right? Um, yeah, let's not do that, 'kay? Okay.
But think about your life. You have problems too, right? (Please just say yes, even if you're life is, like, 100% perfect.) I mean, maybe your nose is too big, or your hair is flat today or you don't have air conditioning or your kid just wrecked your car or something. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we all have problems. Some are bigger than others, sure. Some are more public than others. Some people have more than others. But we all have them.
Problems. Lots and lots of problems.
I swear this has to do with writing, bear with me.
The other night I was chatting with one of my dearest friends. We were talking about our WiP's and she asked me what the main problem in mine was.
This was me:
...
...
...
I almost made up an excuse to leave for a minute so I could think without pressure. But I didn't. I did realize that I had no freaking clue what the main problem of the novel was. To be fair to myself, I haven't actually written the novel yet. (Yeah, see, that's what we were talking about. Our writer's blockage and I was venting that I didn't know where to go next in the WiP, and I couldn't write it because of that, yada, yada, yada, she asked what the main problem was.) So in this unwritten novel that I couldn't write, I didn't know the main problem.
And that's a huge problem.
So, here's my question for you: What's the main problem for the protag in your novel? Is it easy for you to pin down? Can you tell me in one sentence without a panic face and an almost-excuse-to-leave-this-blog on your tongue?
BTW, after some discussion, I did pin down my main problem. And I've been able to write again. I still have problems, but yeah. Who doesn't?
You know how to finish it. Say it. Out loud. (Name that movie! LOLOLOL)
Anyway, I digress. This post is going to be a lot of digression, so I hope you're in the mood for some stream of thought writing from el@n@. That's my new name. My sister is certifiably insane. And she did some tweeting yesterday on her name (which has an i, now replaced with an !). Since I don't have an i, she said I could be el@n@. So here I am. Anyway, Eric over at Working My Muse gave me this Lemonade Stand blog award. Thanks! I'm supposed to nominate 10 people, and send the award along. I just nominated 15 people for the Premio Dardos award, and I can't even think of 10 more. If I do, I'll post them soon, promise.
So on to lemonade. When life gets you down, what do you do? I try to surround myself with good people. Play a few games (guitar hero) and just forget about whatever is bothering me. Most of my stress is self-inflicted. Do you do this? This self-inflicted stress-inducing?
Ugh. I just get in the way of myself. I have to constantly step back and remind myself that this whole publishing thing is a journey, not a result. Sometimes I find myself frustrated because I'd like to think I'm a pretty smart person. I've worked hard through some stacked odds to get what I want.
And so this whole publishing thing is sort of hard for me. I'm used to working hard, persevering, and ultimately getting what I want. This is a little different than that.
I've decided I'm going to climb into the sidecar of a motorcycle. Remind myself that it's not the end result I'm striving for (but of course, getting published is still The Goal), but it's also the learning experiences along the way. The writerly people I get to interact with. The new novels I get to read. And write. Sometimes I think all I'm focusing on is the lemons and not the lemonade. Being the driver and not the rider. Achieving The Goal and not enjoying the How.
So a new sidecar goal to go with The Goal: enjoy the ride. I'm imagining myself in one of those sidecars on a motorcycle. I don't have to drive. I don't have to watch the speedometer, the upcoming curves in the road, the weather. I can look for those purple blossoms on trees, seagulls flying, deer in the meadow, whatever. I can enjoy the ride.
I've got my helmet on, ready for the rejections and critiques. I've got the goggles strapped in place--hopefully they'll help me see clearly who to listen to, which agents to research and query, and what to write. I've got the leather chaps, waiting to protect me if I happen to crash and burn.
So, onward and upward to female main character names. I read somewhere, and I can't remember where, that agents were sick of seeing female protags with a name that started with A. Yeah, in the one book I had written at the time, my MC was named Annie.
Le sigh.
I actually don't mind this. But since my post on male names with the letter K, I've been paying more attention to names in everything I read. Queries, synop's, books, manuscripts, whatev. I read a lot of stuff. And you know what? I've noticed a lot of Seth's. As the bad boy. One of my friends (Christine Fonseca) has a Seth in her WiP. I think she told me his name means something about darkness or choas or something. I'm sure she'll set me straight, and I'm too lazy to research it myself. I shudder just typing that R-word. *shudder*
But I haven't noticed that many A-names for girls. Maybe I'm just reading the wrong books, I don't know. One of my pals, Jessica Verday, author of The Hollow (which I get to read soon! Woot!) has named her MC Abbey. So there's an A. Oh, and Jenn, a real-life gal in my crit group just wrote a synop about a girl named Ava. There's two.
For me? I seem to choose pretty popular names. I wrote a book last winter with a Claire. That seemed to be a pretty popular name at the time. Lots of authors had Claire's. Sidenote: I need an eclair to get me through this week.
And of course, I have Vi, my Rule-breaking Good girl in Control Issues. And Gabby, my heroine-who-sometimes-pretends-to-be-the-hero.
Who have you got? There's major chartage in my future.
It's time for the blog chain again, and this time, you have to put up with me. That's right, folks, I get to choose the topic. Since I've been struggling with this the past few daysweeks months, I'm interested to know what other writers do. We're gonna be all over the Elana-pool today, so prepare yourselves. Maybe a life jacket or two. One of those buoy things. Whatever keeps you afloat.
Ready? Let's jump in.
When you're in a pool of writing funk, how do you get out? And this is the deep end, people. Answers like, "take a walk" or "call my mom" won't cut it. That will leave you splashing in the deep end without a life preserver. And I had to fire my lifeguard last week for obvious budget cuts, so don't even go there. This is deep, people.
Now doggie paddle to the shallow end. I want your favorite funny and/or thing that makes you happy. A cartoon. A quote. An lol cat (just for you Michelle). A song. Something I can steal and put in my arsenal to combat the writing blues. Pull out your best one, peeps. I need something good this month. You never know, your "life-saver" could become mine. Yes, I'm just that illegal.
Not sure what the Pool of Writing Funk is? Maybe you've heard of the Lake of Self-Doubt. No? The Ocean of What-the-heck-am-I-doing? Or maybe each rain drop in your life seems to whisper, "You're not good enough." These all contribute to the pool.
So I guess I have to wallow in my own pool. When I'm in a funk, which seems to be happening every other day these days, what do I do? First, I don't wallow alone. That's right. I drag others down with me. Lol! No, seriously, my writerly friends are a tremendous help to me. All it takes is a post, an email or an IM and I'm with people who understand. (I guess you could say you call your mom if she's also a writer and knows what it feels like to be on the losing end of this whole writing thing. Otherwise, don't…just don't.)
Another thing I try to do when I'm feeling out of sorts is read. I've had to make the rule that blogs and forums don't count. A book. An article. (Right, like I'm that deep. Puh-lease.) Mostly books. I also plan an escape. For me, this is into a virtual world. I love to play video games. I killed Piñata Party. I raised those piñatas like nobody's business. My garden ruled. I also like Bookworm, and that game always provides an escape for me. From life, from writing, from that stupid character who just won't do what I want them to. Or the plot hole. Yeah, I run from those.
Okay, give me a sec to get to the shallow end of the pool. Whenever I need something to make me spew on the screen, I retreat to the TV. I know, I know, some of you don't like TV. But there is nothing like watching an episode of The Office. Maybe Seinfeld. Now that you can watch pretty much anything you want OnDemand, I can always slam the computer closed and curl up on the couch with the remote in hand. I love to laugh, and there's nothing like a good sitcom to cheer me up. Here's my favorite clip from The Office. Yeah, I like physical humor stuff.
That is my kind of exercise!
And this one is the funniest thing I've seen in like, forever. I rewound it over and over. Dwight is my favorite character. Well, maybe Jim. Or Stanley. Dude, I love them all!
Can't. Stop. Laughing. And that's the shallow end of the Elana-pool, people.
Ahem, back to the Pool of Writing Funk. All this and you don't even have to wear your swimming suit to dive into this pool. Check out what Leah does while floundering in the pool and meet me back here for a complete hot-towel wrap up at the end of the chain.
Dude, National Novel Writing Month is over. There were times I didn't think I'd survive. High highs. Low lows. Everything in between. Drama. Trauma. Llamas. Just kidding, I threw that last one in there to make sure you were paying attention.
So what did I learn from NaNo? Um, I'm crazy. Dos, I really need more time to stew on my characters before I just delve in. I normally do dive right in, but I don't have to get so many words in a certain time frame. I can slow down and speed up as the writing flows. Oh, but not during NaNo. It's a writingapalooza. C) brainstormage is good. Helped me through some rough patches.
I'm happy to report that I didn't use a single song lyric, ten-word name, or cell phone convo between two characters who know everything about each other. Not that I'm better than you if you did. But that's not how I NaNo. I wanted something I could continue to work on after November, something I could edit and revise over the next several months and not hate myself for forgetting that I put "100 bottles of beer" in there just to get the words.
Officially, I wrote 73,788 words during the month of November. Holy lotta words, Batman. I've never written that much in a month. That's like three (okay four) months of writing for me. It really helped that I had five entire days off in a row. I don't think I did anything on Saturday except write. And write. And write. Sometimes that's okay (nice, even), but I need balance in my life. So back to writing on the side.
I'm actually sorta sad it's over (and that shows my psychosis more than anything). Now what am I gonna use to motivate me? My own pathetic self? I don't think so. Good thing I have writerly friends...with goals they'll let me latch on to as if they were my own.
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