Avoiding Annoyances

Okay, so everyone has things that annoy them. I do, trust me. A lot of things. For one, I can't stand it when people make fun of me for saying "front forward." I know it's wrong, okay? I just don't care!

So annoying.

But I've come up with a few tips that will hopefully save you some annoyance points. Then you can use them up on your kids and send them to bed early. *wink*

1. Work. Work is annoying. It gets in the way of what I want to do = write. I can't read blogs, I can't email or chat incessantly, and I can't sleep in until 9. You may say that giving up those things is actually good, that work is actually rewarding.

You would be wrong. And also now annoying me.

So I've got the solution: sell your book for millions! Foreign rights, movie rights, large print and/or audio rights! The sky's the limit, baby. I mean, you sold a book! Aren't you going to be like, uber-rich now??

Yes. Adios annoyance.

2. The Non-Getters. You know who these people are. They're not fans, or family members, or other writers. They're the people you barely know who ask you stuff and get close to you at parties and/or church because they think it's cool you're an author, but they clearly don't "get" anything about what it takes to A) write a book B) get an agent C) sell a book D) refine the book and/or E) actually publish a book.

They want a (free) signed copy at their earliest convenience.

I say: No problem! I've got just what you need to give them what they want.

A smile, a nod, a high-pitched laugh, and an early escape from the conversation by going, "Ca-caw! Ca-caw!" and having your friend rescue you when she hears the prearranged distress call (never leave home without it).

See ya later, alligator.

3. Good books. Yeah, they shouldn't annoy me. They do. I wish I'd written them. I wish other people weren't so dang talented. I wish, I wish, I wish.

So in my ultra-annoyed state over the fact that my creative genius is actually creative crap, I've devised a solution to this never-ending nightmare of annoyance.

I've started a little self-talk, and it goes something like this: "This is a very good book, Elana. You should learn from it instead of being so insanely jealous and/or depressed that you'll never write like this, and/or have such a vivid imagination, and/or tap into your emotions in the right way. Maybe consider taking some notes on what they do that you like so much, and hey, maybe you'll figure out where all the key points are so you can actually finish that outline you started three weeks ago and never finished, and oh my heck, your deadline is in like, less than a week, and you're not done yet, and why are you wasting time reading this annoyingly good book??"

So you can see what I've done here. I've actually distracted myself AWAY from the annoyance and into panic.

Works every time.

What annoys you, and what are your Annoyance Solutions?

**Disclaimer: this blog post may or may not contain situations that may or may not have occurred in my life. Or with this friend I know...

What You Should Know re: Non-Writers

Okay, look, people. There are a few things you need to know about non-writers. Yeah, yeah. I've seen those posts where writers try to tell non-writers what They need to know about Us. This isn't that post.

Because let's face it. If you're a writer, you're not normal. I repeat, if you're a writer, you're not normal. Besides, there're way more non-writers than writers, so you need to conform to the whole, okay? Okay.

Some tips:

Know your pitch. Not only will this take you far in conferences and with writing a killer query letter, but you'll be able to keep the interest of your non-writer friends.

See, they don't really care about your book. They care about you, but you have about ten (maybe twenty) seconds to tell them about your book before their eyes glaze over. You need to be able to answer the question "What's your book about?" in under twenty seconds. That way, when your accountant, old boyfriend, or grocery store checker asks you, you can tell them. And they'll still think you're human afterward, which is a huge bonus.

Refrain from talking about your characters as if they were alive. Trust me on this, it doesn't work. And non-writers get this scary edge in their eyes, and their fingers twitch like they need to dial for medical help, stat! when you discuss people that aren't alive.

Keep these kinds of convos between you and your CP's or other writerly friends. We get it. They do not.

Don't rationalize. Number one, it's a tad pathetic that we writers can't keep up with the laundry or remember to take dinner out of the oven before the whole kitchen is filled with smoke. The last thing we need to do is blame our writing for our lack of Martha Stewartness. I mean, that just makes the whole industry suffer, don't you think?

Own your shortcomings, because non-writers don't see writing as a reason why your kids ate cold cereal for the third night in a row.

Take a minute to pretty yourself up. Have you seen that Seinfeld where Elaine stays up all night writing a cartoon for The New Yorker? And Jerry makes fun of her because she doesn't even run a comb through her hair before leaving the apartment.

Yeah, I know that most writers are part vampire, and we can't stand the sun and we don't sleep. But seriously, people. You belong to a non-writer population as a whole. Take some time to change your clothes and brush your hair and teeth before leaving the sanctuary of your writing cave. And certainly don't cite writing as the reason you look like death warmed over. Non-writers only forgive the homeless and those who run for pleasure for looking like that. Srsly.

Accept the fact that They don't get it. You may be a very talented Sith Lord, but you are not going to convert the non-writer to the writing side. Loved ones may support you because they know how important this writing thing is to you. But the vast majority of non-writers don't get it. If they did, we wouldn't hear things like, "I wish I could write a book."

Love them for who they are: a non-writer. I mean, it takes both to make the world spin, right? Right.

What else do we writers need to know about non-writers? What did I miss? Have you showered yet today? (lol!)

I'm off to my husband's graduation (Masters, baby!) so I'll be offline for most of the weekend. Writers unite!