Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Since I'll Never Be On Oprah

I have to admit, I'm a bit sad that Oprah will be quitting in 2011. I mean, think of all of us that won't be able to be on her show! Okay, I've never really thought I was "Oprah material", but still. It is a little depressing.

How are we going to know what to buy people for Christmas? How are we going to know which books to read? How are we going to know anything anymore??


So in honor of Oprah leaving (I know, I know, 2011 is so far away. But not really. I mean, it's almost 2010! Ack!), I'm going to go all Oprah on you.

No really. You think Oprah's the only one who can ask questions? The only one who can get a thoughtful discussion going? Well, okay, maybe that last one is a stretch for this blog.

But seriously. I'm Oprah today. And you're my guest. Imagine you've been in hair and makeup for three hours. The crowd of women is going completely crazy. I've got footage of your hometown, your job, your car, the whole she-bang. (Wow, what a great word. Must jot down...) And I'm calling your name and you're walking out and the lights are so so bright and there's screaming and you're waving with both hands, this huge Chesire grin on your face... Ahhh, are you with me? We're on Oprah.

Oprah/Elana: So, tell me about your book.

You: (fill in silence. There really can't be any silence during the show.)

Oprah/Elana: What prompted you to write this book?

You: . . .

O/E: So what do you do when you're not writing?


O/E: What do you hope to accomplish with this book?


O/E: What are you planning to work on next?


O/E: Thanks for joining us today. We'll be right back.

FIVE MINUTES LATER (if you use a Spongebob voice, this is really funny. Just sayin'. Don't watch Spongebob? You = deprived.)

O/E: We want to thank you for joining us today. Here's what's happening on the Oprah show tomorrow. (fade to clip)

And now you can breathe again. But couldn't you so see yourself on Oprah? Yeah? Me too. But that's as close as we're going to get. She's quitting in 2011! Dudes. Yeah, just yeah.


A Wildflower said...

OMG Elana, I thought the same thing when I heard her show was ending! However she is starting her own network...bigger and better? Maybe..

And this interview looks like fun. Here goes.

"Oprah, my book is called Just a Girl. It's about an average 14 year old starting high school. She's real and faces issues that teens deal with every day but are afraid to talk about."

"I started writing this book to learn more about me. We have all made choices in life that have led us down the path we find ourselves on as 'grown-ups'. During my therapeutic writing, I began to have fun creating characters, scenes, events and realized the real therapy is the joy writing added to my life and the desire to share it with others."

"When I'm not writing, I'm taking care of my family, gardening, reading, and saving lives as a Pediatric ER nurse."

"My ultimate goal with this book is to save lives. If I can prompt parents to see how teens view their problems and give teens the avenue to talk about them, then maybe one or two people in this world may stay in it instead of escaping through self destructive behaviors."

"Next, I am working to continue my girl's experiences in high school. There are countless topics to touch upon, most importantly depression and suicide, which my main character will learn about first hand in a later book."

And, no worries, here, I have no shortage of Spongebob in my house...Thanks Elana for a fun blog!

Scott said...

Sure, rub it in that Oprah won't be around to tout my fabulous success! Gee, I hope Ellen doesn't decide to go off the air too. She makes me laugh. Then again, she also likes to scare her guests and I scare way, way, way too easily . . . thus the sweet potatoes that got tossed across the room when my partner snuck up behind me and shouted "what are you doing???" He's just lucky I wasn't holding the big knife. I'm just saying . . .


Melanie Hooyenga said...

Gak! I just completely froze up at the thought, and I generally do well when talking about myself. ;)

I keep hearing rumors that she'll start her own network and move her show there, so we'll only have a small gap in her geniusness.

Tamika: said...

My mother actually had a bag packed for my Oprah debut. *Sigh*

Stephanie McGee said...


I think we belong on a show with a more teen audience if we write YA. But one that also gets parents watching so that they know just what fabulous book to buy for their kids for Christmas and birthdays.

Unknown said...

Maybe it's because I'm new to all this, but that has never been one of my secret desires. Maybe it's because I haven't watched her show since I was in college. Hmm... Maybe I'm doubly deprived. (I really don't like spongebob. hehe! Ah well.)

Paul Greci said...

This sounds cool. You mean, there'll be film footage of my 1991 pickup truck full of firewood. Excellent!
Oh wait, you're really more interested in
My book: It's a story about a bright but angry fifteen year old boy who is stuck in two systems--special education and social services--the story is his quest to get out of these systems and live a normal life.

Technical difficulties...At least I was on for a minute.

Amanda Bonilla said...

Elana, this is PRICELESS! Best blog post evah!!

Since I'm suffering from stage fright, I guess I'm out for the interview... BUT, I will agree that Spongebob=Awesome

Katie Anderson said...

OMG, I never thought about it like that. I will NEVER be on OPRAH. sigh.... How sad. Because of course I was planning on it. Durn.

But thank you for the interview!!!


Jessica Nelson said...

Hahaa, I never watch Oprah but it's weird to think of the show being over. I remember it from when I was a little girl.
And no, I don't watch spongebob.

C. N. Nevets said...

“O/E, my book, tentatively called Real Stakes, is a psychological suspense thriller about a high-stakes gambler who gets trapped in the middle of an Armageddon-like battle for the future of the world, and does not realize how important his role in this shadow war is.”

“The book actually is a spin-off of a piece of flash fiction I wrote for the Flashy Fiction blog. If you’d like to read the original story, it’s available still on-line.”

“When I’m not writing, I work a 9 to 5 job, and spend as much time as I can with my wife Rose. I’m a part-time professional photographer, a student of aikido, and an obsessive learner of foreign languages. I’ve worked in a dozen different fields, have my masters in an academic discipline, and I still pursue many of those fields as hobbies and reading interests. I read, of course. I write music and play video games. I try to live as varied a life as I can, O/E. As Captain Sisko said on Deep Space Nine to his writer son Jake, ‘Stick your head out of the hole once in a while and see what’s going on. It’s life. ‘ Oh, crap, did I just talk about Star Trek on national television?”

“My next book is going to be a about a teenage boy and a nurse who both become the targets of assassins working for a shadow conspiracy of doctors and hospital administrators. “

“Thanks for your time, O/E.”

Carolyn V. said...

OH my gosh! I totally forgot about getting my interview on Oprah. Now there is no chance. I'm so sad.

Michelle McLean said...

Ha! I did the exact same thing when I heard about her show. book will never be in Oprah's book club. Well, better start looking for a smaller island to buy because I'll never be able to afford the one I had picked out without that Oprah seal of approval on my book.

LOL I knew it was a long shot, but seriously, it was part of the dream ;-D

Unknown said...

My husband ALWAYS does the sponge bob "Five minutes Later" thing.

It made me laugh to see it!

I too got upset that I would never be on Oprah. Hopefully she'll make a comeback!

Lillian Robinson said...

I don't watch Oprah, but I do watch Spongbob!

You've hit home with this one. I don't that I'm Oprah material, but I still had the dream. Since my book isn't finished, I'm betting I won't make it to the show in time. Even if I was finished, I'm betting the last season is already booked. (pardon the pun)

Maybe we'll all get a seat on that coach on a new network!

Kathryn Hupp-Harris said...

I felt the same way when I was little and wanted to be a rock star and they cancelled American Bandstand.

So then I decided to be a comedian with the goal of getting a spot on Johnny Carson. I'm still sad he died.

Then I thought I'd become a novelist so I could be on Oprah.

Now I think I'll just set my sites on becoming a youtube sensation.

Just kidding. :-)

Rebecca Knight said...

Can we start calling you Eloprah? :D

Unknown said...

I may now be ostracized, but I've never watched more than 15 minutes of Oprah, and that was only because a friend of mine was on for a surprise room makeover (the one w/ 5 boys - 2 sets of twins, 1 single).

*ducking and running away*

C. N. Nevets said...

Don't worry, Jaime, I can take all the heat. I've never watched a single moment of Oprah, ever, under any circumstances.

Bethany Wiggins said...

Who cares about Oprah? I'd much rather be on Ellen!

Tess said...

My secret fantasy is that my novel will come out right as she goes into retirment and she loves it so much that she comes back to do one more show just to plug my book.

alright, I'm working on very little sleep and getting a little dilusional here ;)

Really, I never imagined Oprah. My real fantasy is Al Roker on GMA. He cracks me up.

Jemi Fraser said...

The world is going to be a poorer place when Oprah's show is done! I'm rarely home early enough to see her show, but... it's Oprah - doesn't everyone love her? :)

I like Tess' idea!

Sherrie Petersen said...

Too funny :)

She was good for the book business, no doubt. You're just going to have to get ready for your closeup, Elana. You can be an author and a talk show host, right?

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I'm pretty sure Tess's secret fantasy will come true...I've read some of her work. I'm predicting a Newberry when she gets published!!!

For those of us who don't have a book for the last Oprah show, maybe we can be on the Sarah Palin show????

erica m. chapman said...

Well. I'll miss her too, but I'm a huge Ellen fan, so I think we'll all be okay. Plus I heard she is going to have a smaller show on her network or something-- so I wouldn't count her out completely :O)

Great post!

Christine Fonseca said...

ahhh...never free, Elana. Nature hates a void - which means someone...something will take her place (as best they can)...and just in time for your novel debut, I bet!
(AND BTW - She isn't giving up her NETWORK...that is right, she has her own NETWORK!!!)

lisa and laura said...

Damn. Guess I'll have to settle for The Today Show!

Anonymous said...

I already have my lifetime max of Oprah.

Stina said...

I quit watching Oprah years ago. My tear ducts couldn't take it anymore. ;-)

* said...

I've said this before to other peeps and will say it here: Oprah is campaigning for Prez. I swear.

She's the only human I know who shamelessly self promotes herself on the cover of her own magazine, month after month, year after year. Heavens. Martha Stewart isn't even that vain. Or crazy.

Pass the Oprah pie. I'll have a slice.

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